What To Do When One of the “4 Horsemen” Appears In Your Relationship
Few things feel as stressful as conflict and tension in our closest relationships. It can feel especially threatening when you encounter one of the infamous "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse." These four toxic behaviors can unleash chaos in your relationship if left unchecked. But don't worry! We've got actionable strategies to combat them and repair your connection. These stem from Gottman method couples therapy and have been backed by research.
Understanding the Four Horsemen
Before we delve into solutions, let's get better acquainted with our adversaries:
Criticism
This is when you express your grievances as attacks on your partner's character. An example would be saying, "You're so self-absorbed!" instead of "I felt hurt when you forgot our anniversary."
Contempt
Contempt takes criticism up a notch, involving expressions of disdain, mockery, or disrespect. Rolling your eyes, using sarcasm, or hurling insults are telltale signs of contempt.
Defensiveness
Instead of taking responsibility for your actions, defensiveness involves shifting blame onto your partner or making excuses. For instance, responding to a complaint with, "I did it because you never listen to me!"
Stonewalling
This occurs when one partner emotionally withdraws, shutting down communication. It leaves the other partner feeling unheard and can be incredibly frustrating. It can also create huge gaps in closeness. It's never effective at communicating what a person is actually feeling. It only pushes away.
Concrete Strategies for Addressing the Four Horsemen From Gottman Method Couples Therapy
Dealing with Criticism Using The Gottman Method
Use "I" Statements
Yep, we're back to basics on this one. Swap out accusatory language for "I" statements. For instance, say, "I felt hurt when this happened" rather than "You always do this!" Here's an example: Instead of saying, "You never help around the house!" try saying, "I feel overwhelmed when I have to handle most things around the house myself."
If you struggle with "I" statements, focus instead on completely avoiding the word "you." When we avoid "you" statements, we protect against the third horsemen, defensiveness.
Practice Active Listening
When your partner expresses their feelings, listen without interruption. It can be difficult not to defend yourself, but try not to. The goal isn't to decide who is right. The goal is to make sure both of you feel understood. Seek to understand their perspective before responding. For example, if your partner says, "You never listen to me," you could respond with, "I'm sorry it seemed that way. I do want to listen and understand. Please tell me more." This takes a lot of practice and checking your ego. Over time it gets easier. We promise.
Focus on Specific Behaviors
Avoid making sweeping character judgments. That's not productive or solution-oriented. Instead address specific actions or behaviors that are causing issues. For instance, instead of saying, "You're so irresponsible," say, "It frustrates me when you forget important dates."
Combating Contempt Using The Gottman Method
Build Appreciation
When we've been with someone for a while, we tend to focus on the negatives. It's understandable; other people's quirks and behaviors have an impact on us. We forget all the wonderful things that are going well. Make a conscious effort to appreciate your partner's strengths and positive qualities. Share compliments and expressions of gratitude. Here it IS okay - and encouraged! - to make sweeping statements about their character. For instance, tell your partner, "I appreciate how you remind me about upcoming dates. You're such a conscientious person."
Avoid Sarcasm and Mockery
Sarcasm is only fun in small amounts. And it's only fun when it's not about a person who is present. Be mindful of how your words and tone come across. Replace sarcasm and mockery with respectful and kind communication. If you're tempted to roll your eyes or make a jibe, pause and reconsider. It may feel playful - partially - but it can be hurtful and toxix over time. Instead, express your thoughts in a more constructive manner. This might feel uncomfortable if you're used to indirect communication.
Seek Common Ground
Remember that you and your partner are a team with shared interests and goals. Finding common ground can significantly reduce contempt. While you might not agree with your partner's behavior or statements, there's always a baseline common denominator. It might be as simple as "Neither of us want to fight as often as we do. I'd like to find a solution so we don't fall into this pattern." Make sure you're not talking in a snippy or challenging way.
Tackling Defensiveness Using Gottman Method
Practice Self-Awareness
Be aware of your defensive tendencies. When you sense defensiveness creeping in, take a deep breath and try to understand your partner's perspective. Acknowledge your defensiveness and make a conscious effort to set it aside.
Accept Responsibility
Rather than deflecting blame or making excuses, take ownership of your actions. Admit when you've made a mistake and work collaboratively with your partner to find solutions. If your partner says, "You always leave dirty shoes by the door where I trip over them," you could respond with, "You're right, I should be more mindful about putting my things away." You're not admitting you're a bad person. Far from it! You're looking at specific behaviors that can create positive change in your relationship. By showing a willingness to change, you open up a change to reconnect with your partner. It takes the charge out of the argument and diffuses tension.
Seek Clarification
If you're unsure about something your partner said, ask for clarification instead of making assumptions. This demonstrates your willingness to understand their point of view. For instance, if your partner says, "You never listen," you could say, "I want you to feel heard. Can you give me an example of when you felt unheard?" Be careful not to say this in a challenging tone or use closed off body language. It's okay to express confusion if it's genuine.
Overcoming Stonewalling Using The Gottman Method
Don't Try To Punish Your Partner
When we're upset or frustrated, sometimes we want our partner to feel the intensity of what we're feeling. But this quickly goes into lose-lose territory. It's the opposite direction of where you want to go: back toward each other. If you're wanting your partner to feel uncomfortable, stop! Then express your feelings as clearly as you can. It might be as simple as saying, "I'm feeling very upset with you and I don't want to say something hurtful." Then maybe you suggest taking a break from the discussion using the strategy below.
Take Breaks, Not Escapes
If you feel overwhelmed during an argument, communicate to your partner that you need a break to cool down and gather your thoughts. Make it clear that you'll return to the conversation later. And most important: give a time! Try saying, "I feel overwhelmed. I'd like to go for a walk to clear my head and come back to this in 30 minutes." The key is not to use stonewalling as an escape but as a temporary pause for self-regulation.
Use "I" Statements for Your Feelings
When you're ready to re-engage, use "I" statements to express how you feel about the situation. There are tips for "I" statements above. Sometimes it really is as simple as talking about what you're experiencing in the moment.
When to Seek Help From a Gottman Therapist
Recognizing the presence of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is a great first step in addressing issues. But there are times when these patterns become deeply ingrained and hard to change. Seeking the guidance of a Gottman therapist can be transformative. Here are some signs that it might be time to consider couples therapy:
Persistent Patterns
If you and your partner find yourselves stuck in a negative cycle, it may be time for couples therapy. This is especially true if you've made sincere efforts to change and it hasn't worked.
Escalation
When conflicts escalate to the point of becoming emotionally or physically unsafe, seek help immediately. While there may be times when a Gottman therapist recommends individual therapy first, you still deserve help. Nothing is more important than the safety and well-being of both partners.
Emotional Distance
If you feel emotionally distant from your partner, a neutral third party can be helpful in bridging the gap. If you feel unable to communicate, or have lost the sense of connection and intimacy, therapy can help rebuild your relationship.
Frequent Arguments
Constant, unresolved arguments that leave both partners feeling drained are hard. Often we can't see what needs to change from inside the relationship. A Gottman therapist can assess and help deconstruct what's happening in recurring fights.
Impact on Mental Health
If the stress and strain of these relationship dynamics are negatively affecting your mental health, therapy can provide the support needed to cope.
How a Gottman Therapist Can Help Couples Overcome The Four Horsemen
Gottman Method Couples Therapy is famous for its evidence-based approach. Here's how they can help with the Four Horsemen:
Assessment
A Gottman therapist will begin by conducting a thorough assessment of your relationship. This includes identifying the patterns of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. They'll also assess your conflict style and look for recurrent themes.
Building Awareness
A Gottman therapist will help both partners become aware of their own contributions to negative patterns. Through awareness of the impact of their behaviors on each other, change starts becoming more attainable.
Communication Skills
A Gottman therapist teaches practical communication skills, emphasizing active listening, empathy, and validation. These skills can replace criticism, contempt, and defensiveness with healthy dialogue. Sometimes we need real-time coaching to get these skills down. This is particularly true if you weren't taught them by your caregivers or previous partners.
Conflict Resolution
A Gottman therapist teaches conflict resolution skills that allow you to address problems without resorting to arguments. This can help break the cycle of defensiveness and stonewalling.
Emotion Regulation
A Gottman therapist will work with couples to develop emotional regulation skills. This can take time and lots of support to learn. Learning to manage emotions during conflicts can prevent escalation. The less often we escalate, the less likely we are to express contempt.
Rebuilding Trust and Intimacy
If these patterns have eroded trust and intimacy in your relationship, a Gottman therapist will guide you in rebuilding these essential elements.
Homework and Exercises
A Gottman therapist will often give homework assignments and exercises to practice between sessions. This is to reinforce the skills learned in therapy. A relationship can't be fixed in one hour a week. It takes effort and intention outside of that one therapy hour to create lasting change.
Feedback and Progress Monitoring
A Gottman therapist provides feedback on your progress and adjusts therapy as needed. While Gottman Method Couples Therapy is structured, it's also customized to your relationship.
Strength-Based Approach
Gottman Method Couples Therapy also emphasizes the strengths in your relationship. A skilled Gottman therapists will use those strengths to help couples rediscover why they fell in love in the first place.
Gottman Method Couples Therapy As An Effective Solution
Gottman Method Couples Therapy can be a game-changer for couples struggling with the Four Horsemen. The evidence-based approach, focused on communication, conflict resolution, and emotional connection, can help couples to overcome toxic patterns. You deserve a healthier, more fulfilling relationship. Seeking professional help is a courageous step toward lasting change and a stronger partnership.