The idea of scheduling sex can feel unromantic or even awkward at first. Shouldn't passion be spontaneous? Shouldn't intimacy happen naturally? While spontaneous moments are wonderful, maintaining closeness and connection with your partner requires intention and effort. Scheduling intimacy isn't a bad idea—it’s actually one of the best ways to prioritize your relationship. Protected time for closeness ensures you’re making time for the person who matters most to you. Here's what our couples therapists have to say about scheduling sex and intimacy.

Why Scheduling Intimacy Matters

Think about the things in your life that are important to you: your health, your professional development, your hobbies. Do you schedule time for these? Probably, because without making space for them, other demands would quickly take over. Your relationship deserves that same level of care and commitment.

Relationships thrive when both partners feel connected and close. But closeness doesn't happen by accident. Scheduling time for intimacy ensures that you're setting aside dedicated, distraction-free moments to focus on each other. Just like any other important aspect of life, it requires time and attention.

Scheduling Intimacy Doesn’t Always Mean Scheduling Sex

One of the biggest misconceptions about scheduling intimacy is that it’s all about sex. While sex is an important part of many relationships, intimacy can take many forms. It’s important to allow space for that. Putting pressure on scheduled intimacy to always lead to sex can actually create more stress than closeness.

Intimacy can look like:

• Having a deep, meaningful conversation. Sharing thoughts, hopes, or dreams with each other can foster emotional closeness.

• Giving each other backrubs or physical touch. Physical connection doesn’t always need to lead to sex. Simply holding hands, hugging, or massaging each other can create powerful feelings of closeness.

• Being silly or creative together. Laughing together or working on a fun project can be a wonderful way to bond and let go of stress.

• Planning a meaningful trip or project. Creating shared goals or planning something special for the future can strengthen your partnership.

• Yes, sex. When you both feel connected and in the mood, sexual intimacy can be a healthy, fulfilling part of your relationship. Just be sure not to put too much pressure on it.

The key is to see intimacy as a broad range of activities that bring you and your partner closer. Scheduling intimacy isn’t about making sex feel like an obligation. It’s about creating space for connection, whatever that looks like for the two of you.

How to Introduce Protected Intimacy Time

If the idea of scheduling intimacy is new to you or your partner, it’s important to approach the topic with care. Here are some ways to introduce the concept of protected intimacy time:

1. Frame It as a Way to Prioritize Each Other

You can start by acknowledging how busy life gets and how easy it is to let quality time slip through the cracks. Frame the conversation as a way to make sure you’re both setting aside time to keep your connection strong.

Try saying: “I’ve been thinking about how much I love spending time with you, and I want to make sure we’re setting aside time just for us. How would you feel about specific time where we can focus on each other so we make sure it happens?”

2. Suggest Flexibility in What Intimacy Looks Like

Be sure to emphasize that scheduling intimacy doesn’t have to mean scheduling sex. Explain that it’s about carving out time to be present with each other, whether that’s through conversation, a shared activity, or physical closeness.

Try saying: “I doesn’t have to be about sex, but I do think it’s important for us to have dedicated time where we’re just focused on each other. We could do whatever feels right for us that day—whether it’s talking, cuddling, sex or something else.”

3. Start Small and Build From There

If the idea of setting aside time for intimacy feels overwhelming, start small. You can set aside 30 minutes one evening each week or carve out a short period of time after dinner to check in with each other.

Try saying: “How about we start by setting aside one evening a week where we turn off our phones and focus on spending time together? We can see how it feels and adjust as we go.”

4. Keep It Light and Low Pressure

Make sure your partner knows that this time is about connecting, not meeting any specific expectations. Intimacy should be enjoyable and fun, not something to check off a to-do list.

Try saying: “I want this time to be something we both look forward to, not something that feels like another task. We can keep it light and low-pressure. If something doesn’t feel right one day, we can adjust.”

Suggestions for Protected Intimacy Time

Once you’ve decided to schedule time for each other, it’s helpful to have some ideas in mind for how you’d like to spend that time. Here are a few suggestions:

• Plan a “no phones” dinner together. Cook a meal together or order takeout, then enjoy it without distractions, focusing on conversation.

• Take a walk. Go for a walk around your neighborhood or in a park, holding hands or talking about your day.

• Have a “stay-in” date night. Pick a board game, recipe, or something else fun to do together. Avoid watching a movie or tv. When your attention is on the screen, it's not on each other.

• Get physical without the pressure of sex. Give each other backrubs, hold hands, take a bath or hot tub, or just spend time physically close.

• Create something together. Work on a puzzle, cook something new, or tackle a DIY project together. Doing something collaborative can be a fun and low-pressure way to bond.

• Take turns planning surprises. Alternate who gets to plan something special, like a new date night activity or a little surprise gift.

Scheduling Intimacy Is an Act of Love

The reality is that we schedule everything from work meetings to gym sessions. So it makes sense to give our relationships the same level of attention. Scheduling intimacy—whether it leads to sex, conversation, or a fun activity—is a powerful way to show your partner that your relationship is a priority. It’s not about taking the spontaneity out of your connection. We hope spontanaeity still happens! But scheduled intimacy is about ensuring that you’re setting aside time to nurture your most important bond.

Strengthen Your Relationship with Gottman Method Couples Therapy

If you’re looking to deepen your connection and improve communication with your partner, Gottman Method Couples Therapy can offer valuable tools. Working with a Gottman therapist can provide you with evidence-based strategies to enhance your relationship, improve conflict resolution, and build lasting intimacy.

Take the first step toward a stronger, more connected relationship by exploring couples therapy today. Your relationship is worth the time and effort, and scheduling intimacy is just the beginning!