There are many things you shouldn't say to someone who has been the victim of a sexual crime. After experiencing the ultimate loss of power and autonomy, too many people are accused of lying or exaggerating. Here are things you should never say to a survivor of sexual assault and what to say instead.

6 Things To Never Say To A Sexual Trauma Survivor

"Are you sure he wasn't confused?"

Have you ever been confused about if someone wanted to have sex with you? If so, did you seek clarification? Making assumptions about whether or not someone wants sex is problematic. It's so easy to ask.

Saying this phrase puts the responsibility on the victim instead of the perpetrator. More importantly, it invalidates their experience and suggests they are lying. Being invalidated and accused of lying feels bad to everyone.

"What were you wearing?"

Sexual assault happens to people of all ages, genders, races, and ability levels. It is not just a frat party issue. Even if the assault did happen at a frat party, the outfit of the victim is irrelevant. People don't ask victims of other crimes what they were wearing. When someone is hit by a reckless driver, we don't ask what car the victim was driving. It's the same idea here. Clothing doesn't matter. Remembering that sexual assault is not about sex is important here. It's about power and control. This phrase puts the responsibility on the victim instead of the perpetrator.

"Were you drinking/using?"

Sex requires two adults to be able to consent. If one person is not capable of consent, it is the other person's responsibility to not assault them. Many people overindulge in substances in public all the time. It isn't an invitation for assault.

"Why did you go to that person's house?"

We are social creatures. We frequently spend time in our private living spaces without concern for our safety and wellbeing. Agreeing to a drink or spending time in someone's home is not consent for sex.

"Why didn't you report it?"

Sexual assault is a highly personal and intimate crime. Many survivors feel traumatized afterward. While it would be great if sexual assault response systems functioned well, the reality is that many people regret reporting. The experience of having to retell the story of their trauma over and over for police officers, nurse examiners, lawyers, juries, and more in highly retraumatizing. If someone wants it to be over, it makes sense not to report. Due to social stigma and blame, many survivors feel tremendous shame and guilt. Shame is one of the most uncomfortable emotions we can feel. Avoiding it makes sense.

"Boys will be boys."

While it's true not all people who commit sexual assault are men, this phrase is often used to absolve men of accountability. Regardless of gender, all adults are capable of refraining from harming others. While it is true that most people have a sex drive and desire sex, sexual assault is about power and control, not sex. To promote a narrative that men cannot control themselves when it comes to sex is insulting to men. It implies they have less impulse control and empathy than animals. Even then, many animals can be trained not to do things. 

Are Some Reports Of Sexual Assault Fake?

Fewer than 2% of sexual assaults reported to the police are false. This is the same false report rate as most other crimes. Survivors of sexual assault are accused of lying at painfully high rates. This is invalidating and discourages people from reporting crimes. Don't be part of the problem.

What To Say To Some Who Has Sexual Trauma

How you respond to someone telling you they've been assaulted can make a big impact on their recovery. It's normal to not know what to say. But the truth is that often the simplest responses are the most profound and helpful. Remember tone of voice and genuineness matter most of all.

"I'm So Sorry That Happened To You"

It's simple, but this phrase implies belief, empathy, and concern. Furthermore, the phrase "happened TO you" communicates that they did nothing to deserve or invite the assault. In a culture that frequently blames people for their assault, this phrase can do a lot to alleviate guilt and shame.

"I Believe You"

As therapists, we're often shocked at how often we're the first people to say this to a survivor. In a culture that blames and shames victims, the simple act of believing and validating their experience can be profound. It's devastating that this is the case.

"Thank You For Trusting Me"

Disclosing a trauma can take a lot of courage. When someone shares with you, receive it as a gift and compliment. Honor their courage and let them know you appreciate their trust.

"How Can I Support Your Recovery And Healing?"

This implies belief, empathy, and hopefulness that healing is possible.

Resources and Support For People Who Have Sexual Trauma

RAINN

This is the big go-to for survivors of all ages, genders, orientations, and experiences. They offer a crisis line, text/chat support, and referrals to local resources.

Local Organizations

Many communities have local organizations that train volunteers to assist others with sexual assault response. They also often have a local crisis line, support groups, or counseling.

Sexual Trauma Therapy In California & Florida

Our sexual trauma therapists are experienced and compassionate when dealing with sexual assault. If you or someone you care about is struggling after a sexual assault, reach out for a free consultation today.