When Couples Therapy Is A Bad Idea

Couples therapy can be a powerful resource for improving relationships. But there are situations in which couples therapy may not be advisable or effective. Here are the most common reasons couples therapy might be a bad idea.

Couples Therapy Isn't Always About Staying Together

Some of the most profound therapy can focus on how to end a relationship without doing further harm to each other. That can be a beautiful, if not sad, thing. But if your goal is to improve your relationship, fight less, and feel more connected, read on about when couples therapy might not help.

Couples Therapy Is A Bad Idea In These Situations

Domestic Violence or Abuse

The most critical reason to avoid couples therapy is when domestic violence or abuse is present. Couples therapy is not safe in situations involving physical, emotional, financial, sexual, or psychological abuse. That's because traditional couples therapy techniques can be manipulated by an abuser. In such cases, the safety and well-being of the victim must be the top priority. Seeking support from a domestic violence counselor or a therapist specializing in trauma is a better option.

When One Partner Cannot Participate

Effective couples therapy relies on the active participation of both partners. If one partner is unwilling or unable to engage in the therapeutic process, it can prevent progress. Some examples include: illness, substance abuse, severe mental health issues, deep grief, or emotional withdrawal. Individual therapy to address the underlying issues may be more appropriate.

When You're Halfway Out The Door But Want To Do Couples Therapy To Say You Tried

Yeah, this one won't work. It's setting everyone up to fail. You can't show up and expect a therapist to wave a magic wand. You have to actually commit to the process and possibility of change. This requires a willingness to be vulnerable and do some hard work. If you're not up for it, that's okay. But be honest with yourself. Don't treat therapy as a box to check on the way out.

Couples Therapy Might Be A Bad Idea In These Situations:

When Other Interventions Are Needed

Sometimes couples may be dealing with complex issues that extend beyond the scope of couples therapy. For example, substance abuse, mental health issues, or legal issues may require specialized care. Your couples therapist can only work on issues between the two of you. One or both of you might need individualized care from experts in those fields.

Unresolved Individual Trauma

If trauma is significantly impacting one person in the relationship, couples therapy may not be effective. The first step might be to address these issues individually. Your couples therapist should let you know if that's the case. They'll be happy to make recommendations for individual therapy or other support services.

Incompatibility or Fundamental Value Differences

This one is complicated. It's estimated that 69% of problems couples face are perpetual. For example, one partner wants more alone time than the other. Maybe one partner wants to spend money on nice vacations while the other wants to save. These problems are not likely to resolve in a way that both parties find totally satisfying, but there can be more satsifaction. Couples therapy is great for addressing perpetual problems. In such cases, couples therapy may help improve communication, but it may not alter the core incompatibilities.

However, there are times when couples may find they have fundamental differences in values or goals. This might include whether to have children, or whose career gets prioritized. These values differences can lead to one or both people deciding they do not want to continue the relationship. If you hope couples therapy will change your partner's core values, it's not a good use of therapy.

History of Repeated Infidelity

While couples therapy can address infidelity and its causes, it may not be successful if there is a history of repeated betrayals. There is hope for rebuilding trust after infidelity, but only if both partners are fully committed to the process. Repeated infidelity suggests such a lack of commitment. Couples therapy might not help if there's a lack of commitment to rebuilding trust after infidelity.

Couples Therapy Might Not Be What You Expect In These Situations:

Intentionally Using Therapy to End the Relationship

Therapy can be a valuable tool in a breakup. Therapy can be a place to discuss separation or divorce, but it's not a place to drop your partner off to offset your guilt. It's important to be honest and transparent about your intentions. If you want to end your relationship, it's fine to seek guidance from a therapist who can facilitate a healthy separation process. But you should be clear about that from the beginning.

Lack of Commitment to Change

Couples therapy requires both partners to commit to making changes in the relationship. If one or both people are not interested in putting in the effort, therapy may not yield the desired results.

Expecting Your Partner To Be The Only One Who Changes

If you want to bring your partner to therapy so that a third party can validate that they're the problem, pause. While it's probably true that your partner can make some important changes to improve your relationship, you'll need to be open to change too. Being willing to look at your own blind spots and contributions to problems is a must. If all you want is another person to motivate your partner, that's not what you'll find in couples therapy.

Deciding Whether To Do Couples Therapy

Couples therapy is a valuable tool for many relationships. Even for some of the issues listed above, therapy can be helpful. But it's not suitable for every situation. Recognizing when it's not advisable and exploring alternative paths, such as individual therapy, specialized counseling, or separation facilitation, can be the best choice for all parties involved. The key is to prioritize safety, honesty, and the pursuit of the most suitable form of support and healing.

Couples Therapy San Francisco, Los Angeles, and Throughout California and Florida

We specialize in highly customized and personal therapy for adults, couples and teens in California and Florida. Drawing from Gottman Method Couples Therapy, we help couples improve communication, decrease conflict, and feel closer. If you're looking for an expert ally in helping feel connected and calm in your relationship, schedule a free consultation today.