All couples want to feel close. Common goals for couples therapy are to reduce conflict and improve communication. But what comes after that? One of the key findings from Dr. John Gottman's studies is that setting goals in a relationship can lead to the ultimate stage of connection: a sense of shared meaning.

Couples who achieve shared meaning experience greater satisfaction and health in their relationship. So let's explore the importance of setting goals in relationships. Let's clarify what shared meaning looks like and some healthy goals for couples.

Why Setting Goals In Relationships Matters

Setting goals in a relationship is like having a roadmap for your journey together. It gives both partners a sense of direction and purpose. Goals provide a framework for growth, communication, and shared experiences. When couples work towards their goals, it enhances their emotional intimacy. It also fosters a deeper connection. Having mutual goals can also reduce conflicts. With fewer misunderstandings, you can align your aspirations and desires.

Understanding Shared Meaning

Shared meaning in a relationship is the highest level of achievement, according to Dr. John Gottman. It goes beyond superficial interests and involves the core values and dreams of both partners. Finding shared meaning allows couples to develop a profound understanding of each other. It also creates a greater sense of unity.

How To Create Shared Meaning In Your Relationship

There are various ways couples can discover shared meaning. Some couples find it in joint ventures like starting a business together or training for a marathon. Others find meaning in raising children or serving their communities through volunteering. Others find meaning in fostering animals. The key is to explore activities that resonate with both partners. The goals is to contribute to both partner's sense of purpose and fulfillment.

Healthy Goals for Couples

To strengthen your relationship, it's important to set healthy and meaningful goals together. Here are some ideas to get you started:

Weekly Adventures

Plan a weekly time where you and your partner engage in new and exciting activities together. It doesn't have to be grand. Even simple things like trying a new food, going for a hike, or attending a local event can bring freshness to your relationship. Some couples double up on their weekly adventure to include one big adventure and one small. A big adventure would be something that requires advance planning, such as a concert or beach day. A small adventure would be taking a walk in a new part of town or going to a farmer's market you don't frequent.

Soft Start-Ups for Hard Conversations

Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, but how you approach it can make a big difference. Where many couples get into trouble is how things are brought up. Make a goal to practice "soft start-ups" by expressing yourself calmly and respectfully. Avoid blaming or criticizing your partner and instead focus on sharing your emotions and needs. You're more likely to be heard with a soft start-up. Try this: "Hey, I felt left out on Thursday. Is now a good time to talk about it?"

Play For The Same Team

Couples who approach conversations as though they are on the same team do better. If you view your partner as your teammate and misunderstanding as the opponent, you'll win often. If you're playful, you might even imagine a scoreboard: Us = 5, Misunderstanding = 2.

Embrace Playfulness and Fun

Incorporate more playfulness and fun into your daily lives. Playful interactions, like light teasing, joking, or silly games, can add joy and laughter to your relationship. Be careful to not take it to far, though. If you and your partner are competitive, you might consider playing collaborative games where you both win.

Balance Domestic Labor

Discuss and divide household responsibilities equitably. Sharing the workload fosters a sense of teamwork and prevents resentment. Resentment due to unequal contributions is common and avoidable.

Equitable division doesn't always mean half and half. If one partner has a longer commute or different hours, tasks might be divided differently. The important part is that both of you agree to it. Ask yourself: why do some tasks default to my partner instead of me? What tasks do I wish we shared accountability for? What tasks do I wish I could transfer accountability for? Have a collaborative conversation about it and find creative ways to balance. Examine how gender roles might play into domestic labor as well.

Save for the Future Together

Work towards a shared financial goal, such as building up your retirement savings through a joint side hustle. You might be saving up for a house. You might have dream trip to plan and save for. This not only strengthens your financial security but also reinforces the idea of working as a team. Planning and working towards the future creates shared meaning and strengthens commitment.

Money can be a tough topic for many couples. Some of the worst fights are about money. This is because money is emotional. Money also touches all areas of our lives: housing, food, health, work, relationships. If you and your honey struggle to communicate about money, you're normal. Consider working with a therapist to get clear on why conflict around money comes up so often.

Goals For Couples to Avoid

It's essential to steer clear of goals that might harm your relationship. These are some goals to avoid:

Avoid Deprivation

Goals that mean sacrificing one partner's well-being for the other's are not healthy. Both partners' needs and happiness must be considered when setting goals. Over time, the partner who gives up their own happiness may feel resentful and taken for granted. True partnership is about considering both of your needs.

Be careful here too about setting shared weight loss or dieting goals. While it can be helpful to have an accountability partner for any goal, dieting and weight loss are hard. We don't want to make our partner feel less than beautiful and sexy as they are. Goals such as eating more vegetables at shared meals are great. Maybe you go for a walk together after dinner and spend quality time. But deprivation goals can veer into eating disorders, depression, and feelings of resentment and shame.

Avoid Isolation

Goals that lead to increased isolation from friends, family, or each other are damaging to a relationship. Social connections and support systems play a vital role in a couple's happiness. Isolation can lead to a lack of perspective and personal growth. It can also create feelings of loneliness and emotional distance within the relationship. Healthy relationships thrive when both partners have meaningful connections outside the partnership.

Prevent Obligation

Goals based on a sense of duty or obligation rather than genuine interest or passion are unsatisfying. These goals are likely to fail. If one partner feels coerced into pursuing a goal without true enthusiasm, it can lead to resentment and emotional distance. Both partners should feel a sense of enthusiasm towards shared goals. That's only way to ensure they are meaningful and fulfilling.

Avoid Enforcing Gender Norms

Goals that reinforce traditional gender roles create inequality within the relationship. Each partner's interests and desires should be acknowledged and respected, regardless of social norms. Embracing flexibility about roles will lead to a more balanced and harmonious partnership.

Learn more about how to resolve conflict in a relationship, through Gottman method couples therapy.

Increase Relationship Closeness Through Shared Goals

By avoiding problematic goals, couples can focus on building a relationship based on mutual respect and support. Healthy goals should contribute to the growth and happiness of both partners. Shared goals foster an environment where partners can thrive as individuals and as a team. Open communication and a willingness to adapt and compromise are essential in setting and achieving good goals. Remember, the journey towards shared meaning should be rewarding for both of you.

Setting goals in a relationship can be a powerful tool for building a more meaningful connection. By focusing on healthy goals that promote mutual growth, playfulness, and balance, you and your partner can create an amazing relationship.

Gottman Method Couples Therapy in California and Florida

Interested in enhancing your relationship even further? Consider scheduling a couples therapy consultation today! One of our Gottman therapists can provide valuable guidance and support as you work towards your shared goals. Take the proactive step towards a stronger and more fulfilling relationship by reaching out for a couples therapy consultation. We offer couples therapy in Los Angeles, couples therapy in San Francisco, and beyond.