Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse: Resolving Conflict in Couples Therapy
It’s a scene you know too well: You and your partner are having a conversation, and before you know it, it escalates into a heated argument. You both leave the conversation feeling upset and more distant than before. Sometimes it feels like an emotional apocalypse within our relationships. Here’s what’s actually going on and what to do about it.
This is a well-documented phenomenon, and there's a way to not only recognize it but change it. Enter the Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse. Let's dig into these all-too-familiar destructive patterns and discover how to conquer them. If you've ever felt the storm clouds of conflict gathering in your relationship, keep reading. There's hope on the horizon.
Introducing The Gottmans
In the world of couples therapy, there are few names as renowned as Drs. John and Julie Gottman. Their groundbreaking work has provided incredible insights into building and maintaining lasting relationships. One of their most notable contributions is the identification of the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse".
The Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse Explained
The term "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" might sound ominous. But in the context of relationships, it accurately describes common destructive patterns. Let's meet these horsemen:
1. Criticism
Criticism involves attacking your partner's character or personality. Instead of addressing a specific behavior or action, criticism takes it a step further by attacking the very essence of your partner. For example, saying "You're always so lazy!" is a critical statement that can hurt deeply.
Why We Criticize
Criticism often arises from frustration or unmet expectations. When we criticize, we're trying to express our needs, but we do so in a way that's accusatory and damaging. For instance, saying "You're always so thoughtless!" might stem from feeling unheard or undervalued.
The Antidote To Criticism
Gentle Start-Up: Instead of launching into an attack, express your feelings and concerns gently. Use "I" statements to convey your emotions and needs without blaming. For example, "I feel upset when..."
2. Contempt
Contempt is the second horseman and perhaps the most toxic. It goes beyond criticism and involves an element of superiority. Contemptuous behavior includes insults, mockery, name-calling, and sarcasm. It's like poison to a relationship. It conveys not just dissatisfaction but also disrespect.
Why We Show Contempt
Contempt is born from a sense of superiority and often manifests when we feel deeply resentful or disrespected. Insults, mockery, and sarcasm become weapons. It's our way of expressing not just dissatisfaction but also disdain for our partner.
The Antidote To Contempt
Cultivate Appreciation: Counter contempt by nurturing appreciation. Express gratitude for the positive things your partner does. Focus on their strengths rather than dwelling on their weaknesses.
3. Defensiveness
Defensiveness is the third horseman. It's often a natural response to criticism and contempt. It involves seeing yourself as the victim and denying responsibility for problems in the relationship. Instead of listening and trying to understand your partner, you might make excuses or counterattack. This creates a cycle of blame and escalates the conflict. Defensiveness is the opposite of connection and mutual problem-solving.
Why We Get Defensive
Defensiveness typically arises as a response to criticism or contempt. When we feel under attack, we instinctively defend ourselves. We want to protect our self-esteem, and we deny responsibility for the issues in the relationship.
The Antidote: Take Responsibility
Instead of becoming defensive, take responsibility for your part in the conflict. Even if it's a small part, acknowledging it can help break the cycle of blame and defensiveness. Use "I" statements like "I see how my actions..."
4. Stonewalling
Stonewalling is the fourth and final horseman, and it often follows defensiveness. When someone stonewalls, they emotionally withdraw from the conversation. They may become silent, physically leave the room, or give the silent treatment. Stonewalling is a way to avoid conflict. But is incredibly damaging because it prevents resolution and communication.
Why We Stonewall:
Stonewalling often occurs when the emotional intensity of a conflict becomes overwhelming. It's an attempt to avoid conflict, but it's incredibly damaging because it prevents resolution and communication. Stonewallers often feel they need space to cool down.
The Antidote To Stonewalling
Self-Soothe and Calm: When overwhelmed, practice self-soothing techniques. Take a break if needed, but communicate with your partner that you'll return to the conversation later. Use this time to reflect on your feelings and thoughts.
Hope for Positive Change Through Couples Therapy
The beauty of understanding the Four Horsemen is that it equips you with the tools to transform your relationship. Remember, the presence of these destructive behaviors doesn't mean your relationship is doomed. Recognizing them is the first step toward change. By practicing the antidotes you can create a shift in your relationship dynamics. Remember: gentle start-up, cultivating appreciation, taking responsibility, and self-soothing. It's not about overnight transformation, but incremental changes that pave the way for a happier partnership. With dedication and mutual effort, you can steer your relationship towards calmness and connection. You can even leave the Four Horsemen behind for good.
Gottman's Approach to Resolving Conflict
Now that we've met the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, let's explore how the Gottmans advise us to deal with them:
1. Recognize and Acknowledge How The Horsemen Are Affecting Your Relationship
The first step in overcoming these destructive behaviors is recognition. Acknowledge when you are engaging in criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling. Awareness is key to change. If you are going to point out when your partner is engaging in these behaviors, be sure you do so with a soft start-up.
2. Soften Conversation Start-Ups With Your Partner
When discussing issues, begin the conversation gently. Instead of launching into an attack, express your feelings and concerns in a way that doesn't blame or accuse. Use "I" statements like "I feel" to express your emotions and needs. We know it feels super basic. But it goes a long way on the receiving end. Most adults have a harder time with I statements than we realize.
3. Build a Culture of Appreciation In Your Relationship
The best way to counter contempt is by fostering appreciation in your relationship. Express gratitude for the things your partner does. Focus on the positives rather than dwelling on the negatives. Over time, you might even get to the ultimate stage of appreciation: effortless assumption of positive intent.
4. Take Responsibility For Your Part
Instead of becoming defensive, take responsibility for your part in the conflict. Even if it's a small part, acknowledging it can help break the cycle of blame. Be careful not to move too quickly from taking responsibility to pointing out how your partner hasn't. That counteracts what we're trying to do. Demonstrating your accountability isn't an opportunity to point out your partner's lack of.
5. Self-Soothe
When you feel overwhelmed and tempted to stonewall, practice self-soothing techniques. Take a break if needed, but communicate with your partner that you'll return to the conversation later. The break should be specific and time-limited. Try this: "I'm feeling overwhelmed. Can we come back to this in 20 minutes?" and then actually follow up in 20 minutes. Don't put that responsibility on your partner.
When To Seek Couples Therapy
If the Four Horsemen are running rampant in your relationship, consider couples therapy. Sometimes we get so stuck in our patterns we need a neutral third party to help us learn new approaches. As couples therapists trained in the Gottman method, we can provide guidance for breaking these patterns. We'd be happy to schedule a consultation and see if we can help.
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are formidable adversaries in any relationship. But armed with the right strategies, you and your partner can work together to end destructive patterns for good. By recognizing these behaviors, using the antidotes, and seeking couples therapy when needed, you can restore harmony. Even in the midst of conflict, love and understanding can prevail.
Restore Harmony & Love: Couples Therapy In Los Angeles, San Francisco, & Throughout California and Florida
Our expert Gottman therapists are ready to help your relationship blossom into the best version possible. If you’d like to explore what it would look like to face the Horsemen head-on as a united front with your partner, schedule a consultation today.
