Your Couples Therapist Is Not a Referee
It’s the end of a long day, and you’re tired, hungry, and ready to wind down. But before you can quite make it to your end of day relaxation, something happens. Maybe you notice a pet peeve of yours, or you say something that rubs your partner the wrong way. Something sets things off, and you and your partner are in the middle of an argument. Later, you find yourself turning to your couples therapist as you recount the story, as if to say “Surely you see that I’m right about this?”
Stop right there! That's not a road you want to go down. It's not the best use of couples therapy, and will likely disappoint you.
The Misconception: Couples Therapy as Refereeing
It’s normal, and sometimes even healthy, to argue in relationships. It’s also normal to want to seek out validation for your feelings, especially if you feel like your partner isn’t being receptive. It's tempting to see things as black and white. But when couples start to view their therapist as a referee, therapy gets derailed. A referree is someone who takes sides in an argument and champions the winning side.
The problem is that couples therapy isn't about taking sides, winning, or proving a point. It’s an ongoing process of discovery, in which you and your partner can learn how to communicate and grow together.
Couples Therapy Is Collaboration, Not Arbitration
If you’ve thought of your couples therapist as a referee in your relationship, it might be helpful to shift up your perspective. A referee arbitrates: they keep track of rules, look for rules violations, and seek to account for each one. Referees are responsible for making sure that a score is accurate. There's no accuracy in relationships, and there's certainly no score.
A healthy relationship isn’t about keeping score of every frustration, hurt, and offense. It’s about sharing and nurturing your bond with your partner, even when frustrations arise. In order to best do this, your couples counselor will challenge both of you to change and approach things differently. Therapy is a resource for collaboration.
Play On The Same Team Through Couples Therapy
The best couples therapist will help you and your partner feel like you're playing for the same team again. The only way to build lasting love is to play as a team to beat your opponent. In relationships, the opponent is miscommunication, conflict, and feeling distant. If you mistake your partner for the opponent, both of you lose.
Your Therapist Is A Team Coach, Not A Referee
When you think of your couples therapist as your collaborator or coach, it can help you embrace some of the greatest benefits of couples therapy. Your therapist wants the two of your win together. That can only be done through collaboration. Even Michael Jordan needed teammates. Your partner is your teammate, and your job is to figure out how to work with them.
Your couples therapist has a neutral perspective of your relationship. Their goal is to help you and your partner move to the healthiest relationship you can have. They can help you troubleshoot differences that may create barriers to communication. Their objectivity can help you find strategies to boost your communication skills. They can also help keep both members of the relationship accountable and facilitate compromise within the relationship.
Your Couples Therapist Has A View Of The Whole Field
It’s important to note that while your therapist is not a referee to your relationship, they are an outside party with an objective perspective. Your couples therapist may notice aspects of your relationship that you or your partner don’t. They may make statements that clarify why one person in the relationship feels upset, hurt, or unheard. This doesn’t mean that they’re taking sides. They are making space for both of you to feel understood and validated. Your couples therapist is trying to work with both members of your relationship to help the two of you resolve problems effectively.
Couples Therapy Beyond Score-Keeping
Couples therapy is not about taking sides. It's about helping couples learn how to communicate so that they can resolve their differences in a productive way. When we feel frustrated, it’s easy to seek out that validation. However, truly effective couples counseling is about going beyond score-keeping. It should be focused on communicating the needs of each member of the relationship, addressing those needs, and working together to find solutions for your relationship. These all work best when you think of your couples therapist as a collaborative resource, not a referee.
Gottman Method Couples Therapy in Los Angeles, San Francisco, and Santa Cruz
If you find yourself stuck in couples therapy trying to win arguments with your partner, it's time for a perspective shift. Couples therapy is supposed to be a collaborative process of growth and discovery. Rather than seeking validation for your side of the argument, therapy can help both you and your partner communicate and nurture your relationship. Take the first step towards a healthier dynamic by signing up for a free therapy consultation today.
