Don’t Say This: What Trauma Therapists Want You To Stop Saying

As trauma therapists, we've seen a lot. We've heard heartbreaking and infuriating stories of tragedy, betrayal, and suffering. We have a pretty high capacity for things that are uncomfortable. But there's one particular phrase that we, as trauma therapists, would appreciate never hearing again.

Trauma Therapy And Language

If you're in trauma therapy, good for you. It takes true courage to work toward healing. You should use whatever language is comfortable for you to talk about what happened. Sometimes language might elude you entirely. That's normal in the wake of trauma, and we're not here to judge.

How We Talk About Our Experiences Matters

The way we talk about ourselves and experiences shapes how we think and feel about things that have happened. That's why we take such care to honor the words you choose and how you describe what happened to you. Over time and as you heal, you might find that language changes. But there's one thing we'll always step in and correct from the start.

The One Phrase Your Trauma Therapist Will Always Correct

Trauma therapists are sick of this one phrase:

"I didn't have it as bad as other people."

While it may seem like a harmless attempt at contextualizing an experience, this statement can hinder the recovery process.

The Pitfalls of Comparative Suffering

Comparative suffering is a slippery slope. It suggests that there's a hierarchy of pain. If you follow that logic, only one person in the world is allowed to complain about what happened to them. Trauma therapists find this notion absurd and counterproductive to the healing process.

What To Say Instead

Instead of diminishing your experience, try this: “My suffering is valid. My suffering does not diminish the suffering of others. There is space for everyone’s experience and feelings.”

Why We Compare Our Suffering To Others

The impulse to compare our suffering to others often stems from societal conditioning or a desire to minimize our own pain. We may believe that if someone else has experienced more severe trauma, our struggles won't be as bad. But this comparison undermines the individual nature of trauma. Trauma is inherently invalidating, and sometimes we continue that experience by insisting it wasn't a big deal. To heal, was have to acknowledge and process our own pain. It doesn't matter if other people are also suffering. We all deserve to heal.

Why Comparative Suffering Is Lose-Lose

Engaging in comparative suffering creates a lose-lose situation for everyone involved. Your suffering isn't made less valid because someone else may have faced more chronic trauma or been in more severe danger. Trauma is not a competition. Attempting to downplay your experiences in comparison to others only hinders recovery.

We encourage you to avoid diminishing your experiences by comparing them to others. Your pain is valid, and the therapeutic space is a safe haven for you to explore, express, and heal without the constraints of comparison. Let's work together towards healing and resilience.

The Power Of Perspective On Trauma in Therapy

In trauma therapy, we emphasize the power of perspective. Each person's experience is unique, and the impact of trauma is deeply personal. It's not about who had it worse; it's about understanding and processing your own pain. While there may be others in the world who have faced different challenges, it doesn't diminish the significance of what you've been through.

When you take a stance that your suffering is real and important, you set yourself up to heal. If you take the opposite stance, you'll continue to suffer. If you do choose to validate your experience and heal, you give others permission to do the same. Empowering yourself will create a ripple effect.

The Complex Subjectivity of Trauma

The subjectivity of trauma is profound. Each person will experience an incident differently.  What one person finds traumatic won't phase someone else. Trauma is deeply personal, shaped by individual experiences, perceptions, coping mechanisms, and culture. Let's explore the nuanced and subjective nature of trauma and what contributes to how we experience it.

Diverse Experiences, Diverse Traumas

Trauma spans a broad spectrum of experiences, from single events to prolonged, chronic stress. What may be profoundly traumatic for one person might not have the same impact on another. For example, a car accident may trigger different responses in different passengers. While one person might be traumatized for months, another might have a night or two of bad sleep. Neither of these people are wrong, and they both deserve compassion.

The Role of Perception in Trauma

Perception plays a pivotal role in shaping the traumatic impact of an event. Two people exposed to the same incident may interpret and process it differently, leading to different responses. How someone perceives and internalizes an event influences the trauma's subjective weight. This is particularly true if a person perceives their life or livelihood to be in danger. But you don't have to be in danger to be traumatized.

Coping Mechanisms and Resilience After Trauma

Individual coping mechanisms and levels of resilience have a big impact on the subjectivity of trauma. This can be due to differences in coping strategies, support systems, and personal resilience.

Cultural and Societal Influences On Trauma

Cultural and societal factors add layers of complexity to the subjectivity of trauma. For example, in a culture where honor and family name are prioritized, being publicly shamed might be more traumatic than in a more individualist culture. Norms, societal expectations, and systemic influences shape how we perceive and express trauma. A good trauma therapist will be sensitive to your specific cultural influences.

Complex Interplay of Emotions

The emotional response to trauma is vast.  It's normal to feel a range of emotions such as fear, anger, sadness, and even resilience. The interplay of these emotions is unique to each person, reflecting their individual processing of the event.

Long-Term Effects of Trauma and Healing Trajectories

Trauma's long-term effects and the trajectory of healing are also highly subjective. Availability of support, commitment to healing, and the therapeutic relationship influence recovery.

Navigating Trauma with Sensitivity and Self-Compassion In California, Florida, and Beyond

However you are experiencing trauma, it's important to practice self-compassion. When you are able to stop comparing your experience to others, you stand greater likelihood of healing.

Curious about how trauma therapy can support you on your healing journey? Schedule a free consultation with our experienced trauma therapists to start reclaiming your narrative. Take the first step toward healing today.