Managing Your Own Anxiety & Fear: A Guide for Parents of Trans Teenagers
It's natural to experience a range of emotions about your teen's gender identity. This is especially true if it feels unfamiliar or triggers anxiety. Ignoring or suppressing your emotions may hinder your ability to provide the support your teen needs. But it's also important that you process your feelings away from your child. It's not their job to help you regulate your feelings.
Process Your Feelings Away From Your Child
Processing your feelings away from your child is non-negotiable. They are not the best sounding board for your initial emotions. They're still figuring our how to cope with their own feelings. It's not their job to help you cope with yours.
Give yourself the space to process and understand your feelings independently. You can try journaling or discussing your concerns with a trusted friend or therapist. This separation allows you to approach conversations with your teen from a place of self-awareness and readiness to provide the support they need.
The Reality Of Trans Teen Safety
We know there are the significant safety challenges that trans and nonbinary teens encounter in their school and community environments. It's real and causes understandable anxiety and fear for parents. Merely affirming their identity is not always sufficient.
It may be necessary to have difficult conversations with your child regarding their safety. You might need to assist them in making decisions to protect themselves. Some of these decisions may cause conflict and distress. While addressing safety concerns is unavoidable, you can still avoid making them feel invalidated and unsupported. Do everything you can to help your child see that you are on the same team. If they see you as an opponent, problems start to get bigger.
Most Teen Gender Expression Is Not A Phase
The literature supports the fact that gender identity is usually not a phase. But we want to ask a different question: even if it were, would it matter? The most important thing is that your child is safe and feels loved and supported by you. Full stop.
If you want to read more about teen gender exploration, check our our article: "Is My Child Trans Or Is It Just A Phase?"
The Emotional Experience of Parenting A Trans Teen
First off, we want to commend you for seeking information and support for yourself. Parenting teens is tough. Parenting trans teens is even harder. The fact that you care enough to seek out information is a clear indicator of love. That will go far. We also want to remind you that you don't have to be perfect at this. You can make mistakes and still have a good relationship with a healthy, confident kid.
Caring For Yourself As The Parent Of A Trans Teen
Caring for yourself as a parent is not optional. We can't be good supporters when we're not well ourselves. Here are some things we recommend to support yourself on this journey.
Self-Reflection and Education About Trans Teen Issues
If your teen's gender identity makes you uncomfortable or anxious, the first step is exploring your own feelings. Reflect on the source of your discomfort. Is it rooted in societal expectations, personal beliefs, or unfamiliarity? Taking the time to understand your own emotions allows you to approach the situation with empathy and a willingness to learn. Be sure to do this away from your child. It's not their job to support you emotionally.
Educate yourself about gender diversity, identities beyond the binary, and the experiences of trans people and their families. It's likely that some of your discomfort stems from misinformation or stereotypes about trans people and their lives. By expanding your knowledge, you gain a deeper understanding and equip yourself with the tools to support your teen better.
Mindfulness and Self-Soothing Strategies
When our anxiety is triggered, we often have outsized reactions. Unless your child is in imminent danger, chances are nothing is urgent. You can take 5-10 minutes to yourself to breathe and self-sooth. We've got some strategies for anxiety and fear management here.
Carve out time for activities that recharge you, whether it's reading a book, taking a walk, or indulging in a hobby. Practicing self-care regularly is essential for maintaining emotional resilience and energy.
Stay Off The Internet
We know this ironic since you are reading this on the internet. But there is a lot of hate and vitriol around trans kids on the internet. It can make the world feel even scarier when thinking about your kid walking through it. Know that the loudest voices are not the voices of the majority.
Community: The Power of Parents of Trans Kids Supporting Parents of Trans Kids
Understanding from others who share similar experiences can be a game changer. Community is a crucial aspect of navigating your teen's gender exploration. Seek out support groups or online communities such as PFLAG where parents of trans kids gather to share their stories, challenges, and triumphs. Engaging with other parents who have walked a similar path helps you feel less isolated and scared. It also provides a sense of camaraderie, valuable insights, and coping strategies.
Good Communication With Your Teenager
Good communication is key in any parent-teen relationship. It's also no easy task, especially when faced with issues related to gender identity. Statistics overwhelming show that a safe home environment is the #1 thing improving trans teen mental health. Creating a safe space for them to be authentic is an absolute must.
Initiate non-judgmental conversations with your teen. Ask lots of open-ended questions. Allow them to express their feelings, thoughts, and experiences. Here are some suggestions for questions to ask in a loving, supportive tone of voice:
"What is this like for you in your daily life?"
"What do you wish others understood better about your experience?"
"Is there anything you need from me that you're not currently getting?"
"What are your hopes for the future?"
"Can you describe a time when you felt truly understood and supported in this journey?"
Establish Boundaries Around Gender Talk
Set clear boundaries to prioritize your own well-being. When things are scary and feel unmanageable, the best thing you can do is structure and contain them. This might mean not constantly talking or thinking about your teen's gender.
When things get heated, try this:
"It's so important to me that we talk about this in a positive way. I need a few minutes to be able to do that. Can we come back to this in 20 minutes/tomorrow/in therapy on Tuesday?"
Then, be sure you actually come back to it so your teen can trust you mean what you say.
It's also vitally important that you keep communication lines between you and your teen open and positive. If you're too restrictive and unwilling to talk, they'll stop talking to you. You definitely don't want that to happen. It's okay to take breaks and set some boundaries, but don't be too strict.
Seeking Professional Parenting Support For Trans Teens
If your discomfort persists or evolves into anxiety, seeking professional support can help both you and your teen. A therapist with expertise in gender identity issues can provide guidance. They can also facilitate family discussions and offer coping strategies for managing discomfort. Seeking help is a proactive and positive step towards creating a supportive environment for your teen.
A Note on Seeking Therapy For Teenagers
The complexities of teen development can be challenging for both parents and teens. If you find yourself struggling to understand your teen's experiences, seeking professional guidance can be a big help. Therapists specializing in therapy for teenagers can provide valuable insights and support. Be sure you are seeking care from a trans-affirming therapist. Seeking care from someone who is anti-trans can have devastating consequences for your teen's long term wellness.
Empathy and Validation
Putting yourself in your teen's shoes and acknowledging their feelings goes a long way. Validate their experiences by affirming their gender identity and reassuring them of your unwavering love and support. Building trust and acceptance strengthens your relationship and fosters a sense of security for your teen.
We want you to also extend the same compassion and empathy to yourself. You're in a very difficult position. You don't have much control, and it seem like everywhere you step there's a problem. Self-compassion doesn't diminish your love for your teen. Your anxiety can coexist with your powerful love and acceptance of them.
For parents who have never questioned their gender identity, it can be hard to imagine what your teen is going through. So try this: imagine you were going through the world and everyone treated you as a gender you are not. If you’re a mom, imagine if everyone referred to you as your child’s dad, and vice versa. Now imagine that was happening constantly every day. It would be disorienting and bad for your mental health.
Next Level Self Care: Advocacy For A Better World
As a parent, you play a critical role in advocating for your teen's rights and well-being. When you know the reality of what your teen is up against, you can better help them navigate it.
Activism As Self Care For Parents of Trans Teens
The reality of our current political climate is highly polarized. It might be scary to learn about the hundreds of anti-trans bills being considered for adoption across the country. But it might also be empowering to take action against them, either vocally or quietly.
See: How To Be An Activist And Protect Your Mental Health Too
Educate yourself about legal protections and resources available to trans people. This includes healthcare, school policies, and community support networks. Empower your teen by involving them in decision-making processes and encouraging them to voice their needs and preferences. By being their ally, you empower your teen to navigate the world.
Creating Inclusive Environments
A supportive environment within your home and community is foundational for your teen's emotional health. Educate family members, friends, and educators about trans issues and encourage respectful language and behavior. Do this in front of your teen when appropriate so they can see you protecting them. Create opportunities for your teen to connect with supportive peers and mentors who share similar experiences. By cultivating a sense of belonging and acceptance, you create a nurturing space where your teen can thrive authentically. It also takes some pressure off you to be the sole source of validation and support. After all, it takes a village.
Affirmation For Trans Teens and Their Parents Through Therapy For Teenagers In California & Florida
Ready to support your trans teen's journey with confidence? Reach out to our teen therapists specializing in therapy for teenagers. We can provide support for both you and your teen as you navigate this gender journey together.
