8 Signs You Might Have Internalized Homophobia

No one should feel less valuable because of who they love or how they express their gender. Unfortunately, many people experience this pain. Internalized homophobia happens when people in the LGBTQ+ community believe negative things about their identity. This harms self-esteem, relationships, and mental health. Recognizing these signs is the first step toward healing and embracing a positive self-image. The next steps are counteracting the effects of internalized homophobia. As LGBT affirming therapists, we want everyone to live their best and most authentic life.

Common Signs of Internalized Homophobia

Here are some signs that you might be dealing with internalized homophobia:

1. Anxiety and Depression

LGBT people have poorer mental health across the board, as do many people with marginalized identities. Here's what that can look like for LGBT people:

Persistent Sadness. You might feel ongoing sadness, hopelessness, or a sense of worthlessness related to your identity, which can be a sign of underlying depression.

Free Floating Anxiety. Living with a marginalized identity makes a lot of people anxious. Being uncomfortable with who you are translates into how you experience the world around you. If you're feeling jittery, suspicious, and uncomfortable, it could be because of internalized homophobia.

Social Anxiety. Fear of being judged or rejected for who you are can lead to social anxiety. This can cause you to withdraw from social interactions and feel isolated. Unfortunately this only makes the anxiety worse, because you get out of practice with socializing. It also reinforces that avoidance of the uncomfortable thing is the solution.

2. Self-Sabotaging Behaviors

Once internalized homophobia has wormed its way into your belief system about yourself, it can start to wreak havoc. This can how up as self-destruction and self-sabotage. If you find yourself undermining good things that are happening to you, this can be a sign of internalized homophobia.

Pushing People Away. Fear of getting hurt or rejected might lead you to push away potential partners or friends, even when you crave connection. You might behave inconsistently in friendships and romantic relationships. This is sometimes related to your attachment style, but can also be attributed to internalized homophobia.

Destructive Habits. You might engage in unhealthy behaviors, like substance abuse or risky sex, to cope with feelings of inadequacy or shame. While these behaviors may temporarily numb pain, they often lead to more negative feelings. They also usually have short and long term consequences. LGBT people have higher rates of substance use, largely due to trauma and coping poorly with internalized homophobia.

3. Avoidance of Affection

As humans, we all need and deserve affection. This can be emotional or physical. People with internalized homophobia often avoid demonstrating affection, as it's an observable indicator of their identity.

Reluctance to Show Affection. You might avoid holding hands, kissing, or showing any form of affection in public because you fear judgment or backlash.

Struggles With Physical Intimacy. Sex isn't the most interesting or important part of LGBT relationships, but a bad sex life can really drag a relationship down. Emotionally struggling with sex can rob you of the pleasure and connection it can bring. It also makes your partner confused and wonder if you care for them or are attracted to them. You may also avoid physical intimacy, or only engage in sex while drunk or high to avoid negative feelings.

Fear of Harassment. Avoiding affection often comes from a fear of being judged, harassed, or even harmed, reinforcing the idea that your love should be hidden. We're not going to pretend that there are places where it would be unsafe and unwise to show affection to a same-sex partner. But in many instances, people with internalized homophobia overestimate the threat of harm.

4. Fear of Rejection

We're not going to lie, rejection hurts. A lot. Being ostracized and outcast isn't good for us. But we also can't chameleon ourselves to fit into every possible social norm, belief system, or culture we might encounter. Here's how fear of rejection fueled by internalized homophobia shows up.

Seeking Approval. You might go out of your way to seek approval from others, trying to fit into social standards to avoid rejection.

People Pleasing. When you fear being rejected, you'll do just about anything to make people like you. This can look like compromising too much, saying yes to things you don't want to do, and giving away more of your time and energy than you have to spare. There's lots of great literature out there about how to overcome people pleasing. Knowing when it's rooted in internalized homophobia can make it easier to break out of.

Lack of Boundaries. Similar to people pleasing, having loose or nonexistant boundaries can be a sign of internalized homophobia. If people constantly disregard your requests or act as though your feelings and needs don't matter, it might be a sign that you haven't set and reinforced your boundaries.

Hiding Your True Self. Hiding your true identity, avoiding coming out, or suppressing your genuine feelings to maintain social acceptance are all based on fear of rejection. We're not suggesting that everyone needs to come out immediately. You deserve the time and intention to come out on your own terms. But know that your true self is beautiful and deserving of love and deep friendship.

5. Conflict in Relationships

Similar to self-sabotage, relationships are common areas where internalized homophobia shows up. When one partner feels poorly about themselves and their identity, they don't always treat their partner well.

Emotional Roller Coasters. People with internalized homophobia often subconsciously undermine their relationships. This often looks like engaging in higher levels of conflict and reactivity than they otherwise would. They may have big emotions and behave inconsistently. Partners might feel a constant push-pull, which can become exhausting. Sadly, if both partners felt confident in their identity, this would likely be way less intense. It's an unfortunate and unintentional symptom of internalized homophobia.

Insecurity and Jealousy. You might feel insecure or jealous, fearing that your partner will leave you for someone “better” or more acceptable. You might see your partners friends or exes as threats when they aren't. You might even feel jealous if your partner isn't experiencing the same level of internalized homophobia as you. It's normal to want the ease others may have with themselves. We want you to know it's possible if you work for it.

Lack of Intimacy. Fear of vulnerability and intimacy can create emotional distance in your relationships. This leads to misunderstandings and a lack of connection.

Intimate Partner Violence. We hate to say that stats point out high rates of IPV in same sex relationships where one or both partners have internalized homophobia. It deeply saddens us that people can be taught to believe so deeply that their love is bad that it drives them to the point of hurting each other. If you or a loved one is experiencing IPV, contact your local organization or go to TheHotline.org.

6. Criticism of LGBTQ+ Culture

Many people who aren't comfortable with their LGBT identity report not feeling like they belong in the LGBT community. While we're not arguing that some subsets of the community can be exclusionary or judgy, overall the LGBT community it incredibly welcoming. If you don't feel you belong, do a self reflection on why. Is it because you believe there's something wrong with yourself and you'd rather not belong to he community? If so, that's your internalized homophobia lying to you.

Judgment of Others. You may find yourself criticizing or distancing yourself from other queer people. This may be to avoid being associated with them or to feel “better” by comparison.

Rejection of LGBTQ+ Identity. Rejecting symbols of LGBTQ+ culture, like pride events or rainbow flags, might be a way to align yourself more closely with societal norms, even if it means rejecting parts of your own identity.

7. Shame and Feelings of Inadequacy

Some hate groups disguised as social support services or religions are in the business of manipulating people through shame. Shame, while evolutionarily important, has no place in your identity or loving relationships. Love is a powerful and beautiful thing, and shame only distances you from it.

Lack of Confidence. When we don't feel good about who we are inside, it's very hard to show up confidently. This can lead to underperforming at work and school, accepting less than you deserve, and under-earning over the course of your lifetime.

Guilt in Relationships. You may feel guilty about your relationships or for not fitting into traditional gender roles. Even though these feelings are based on societal pressures rather than personal truths, they further isolate you.

Shame About Identity. Feeling embarrassed or guilty about being part of the LGBTQ+ community is a common sign of internalized homophobia. You might internalize societal messages that suggest your identity is wrong.

Critical Self-Talk. You might find yourself thinking or saying negative things about yourself. While the more obvious homophobic thoughts may be about your identity, it might be subtler. Feeling like you're not worthy of love or acceptance can be a sign of internalized homophobia. These thoughts stem from harmful messages you’ve heard from others, which you’ve started to believe about yourself.

Feelings of Inadequacy. Feeling like you’re not "good enough" or that something is wrong with you because of your identity isn't something you were born with. The great news is it can be unlearned.

8. Denial or Repression of Identity

This one is pretty obvious, but if you're denying who you are and who you love, that's definitely internalized homophobia. We're not talking about leaving your relationship out of the conversation with great aunt Mildred because she's 93 and it would upset her. And we're not talking about omissions and lies for genuine safety reasons. We're talking about a global denial and repression of who you know you are even in safe spaces.

Avoidance of LGBTQ+ Spaces. You might avoid places or events where LGBTQ+ people gather. This is usually because you fear judgment or because you don’t want to be associated with these communities. You might even distance yourself from friends who share your identity. But in this end, this harms you. Having community is one of the most important things for good mental health. It's lonely without people who share your experiences.

Inauthentic Behavior. You may find yourself behaving in ways that don’t feel true to who you are. This happens in big and small ways, like dating someone of a different gender to appear straight, or making small comments that don't align with your actual experience. Sometimes, this is done for safety, but it can also be a sign of denying your true self.

How to Overcome Internalized Homophobia

Recognizing these signs is the first step toward overcoming internalized homophobia. It's possible to achieve self-acceptance, but takes time and intention. Here are some ways to start the healing process:

Build Positive Relationships

Invest in relationships with people who celebrate and support your identity. There's no substitute for a network of healthy and affirming connections. It's best when they're in person, but online friendships are far superior to no friendships!

Find Queer Role Models

The phrase "you can't be what you can't see" is absolutely true. If you don't have any LGBT role models in your life, how can you know what you're striving for? If you don't know any in real life, there are plenty of great options in celebrity, political, and public figure culture.

Self-Reflection

Take time to reflect on your beliefs about yourself and where they came from. They didn't come from you, so where did you learn them? Challenge negative thoughts and replace them with affirming, positive messages. Try this: write "I'm lesbian and I love myself" in the mirror with a dry erase pen. Then look at yourself and smile. Do it until it doesn't make you feel uncomfortable.

Join Groups

Get involved with causes and groups. Surround yourself with supportive people who affirm your identity. This can include friends, allies, and LGBTQ groups where you feel safe and understood.

LGBT Therapy

Working with a therapist who is experienced in LGBTQ+ issues can provide a safe space to explore your feelings, develop self-compassion, and build resilience. It's highly personalized and can help address specific sources of your internalized homophobia. For example, if you grew up hearing your dad or pastor say negative things about gay people, that's going to affect you in a specific way.

Educate Yourself

Learn more about LGBTQ+ history, culture, and achievements. Knowing about the struggles and triumphs of others in the community can help build pride and reduce feelings of isolation. LGBT people have contributed some incredible things to our world! We love the History Is Gay podcast.

Practice Self-Compassion

Remember that your identity is valid and deserving of love and respect. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend.

LGBT Therapy To Overcome Internalized Homophobia

If you’re struggling with internalized homophobia, LGBT therapy can be a powerful tool for change. You deserve love and self-compassion. Our therapists offer LGBTQ+ affirming support to help you overcome internalized homophobia and build healthier, more fulfilling relationships with yourself and others. Whether you’re seeking individual therapy or LGBT couples therapy, we’re here to help. If you're in California, schedule a consultation and take the first step toward self-acceptance, confidence, and love.