Respectfully Asking Pronouns: Building a Trans-Inclusive Community

Using Correct Pronouns: How You Can Protect And Empower The Trans Community

When you ask and affirm someone’s pronouns, you help advocate for the trans community. It’s a small gesture, but it can have a big impact. Trans people face tremendous violence and discrimination. In the last year, hundreds of anti-trans bills were proposed in US state legislature. Hundreds. Now, we may not all be politicians, but in our daily lives we are all responsible for keeping others safe. Creating a welcoming and inclusive environment is essential for building strong communities. No matter what you do or where you work, affirming people's gender identity is important. Here's how to ask someone’s pronouns in a considerate manner, why it matters, and what to avoid so everyone feels seen and respected.

What’s The Difference Between Sex and Gender Identity?

First, a little refresher on the difference between sex and gender identity. Sex, usually assigned at birth, is often based on physical and genetic traits. Gender identity is someone's internal sense of self, of being a man or woman or something else.

While we can sometimes tell someone's sex by observing them, we can't assume someone's gender identity. Gender identity is internal and we can't make assumptions. In fact, assumptions are harmful. For people whose gender identity doesn't align with their sex, it can be frustrating to be called the wrong pronouns. We want to avoid unintentionally harming people whenever possible.

How to Respectfully Ask Someone’s Pronouns

A simple, brief question can provide a ton of affirmation. Asking for someone's pronouns is an act of empathy and support. The key is to approach the topic with genuine respect. When meeting someone new, consider starting the conversation by sharing your own pronouns: "Hi, I'm John, and my pronouns are he and him." This sets a positive tone and may encourage the other person to reciprocate. It also normalizes sharing pronouns.

Even if you're not talking to someone in the LGBT community, creating a culture of openness goes a long way. To someone who might not yet be out, it signals to them you are a safe person. Whether they decide to share their pronouns or gender identity with you doesn't matter. Simply knowing you are safe and respectful creates trust, which benefits everyone.

If they do not provide their pronouns, it's perfectly acceptable to politely inquire, "What pronouns should I use for you?" or "What are your pronouns?" Asking in a non-judgmental and respectful way is crucial. There is no inherent impoliteness in asking someone's pronouns. It shows that you care about acknowledging their identity. But if you have a negative tone or eye-roll, it cancels out a good intention.

When and Why You Should Ask Someone’s Pronouns

Normalizing Asking About Pronouns

The world is progressing towards inclusivity and acceptance. Pronoun awareness is increasingly important. Incorporating pronoun sharing into introductions helps create a trans-inclusive community. The significance lies in normalizing the practice. When it's normalized, trans and nonbinary individuals feel respected from the start. When trans people feel respected, they are safer.

It's always appropriate to ask for pronouns unless the person has already shared specific pronouns. Even if you've known someone for a while, it's a thoughtful gesture to ask. You can also say, "Would you remind me of your pronouns?" if you have not previously discussed their gender identity. This helps avoid making assumptions and demonstrates that you value their authentic self.

What NOT To Do When Asking Someone’s Pronouns

Certain behaviors or comments can be hurtful or offensive. Here's what to avoid when asking for pronouns:

No Joking or Dismissing Someone’s Pronouns

Don't make light of the pronoun-sharing process or approach it with dismissive comments. It's a meaningful moment for some people, and humor or indifference may invalidate their feelings. Often a subtle shift in tone or facial expression is all it takes to ruin the gesture. Make polite eye contact and be careful about your tone.

No Assumptions or Blanket Statements About Pronouns

When sharing your own pronouns, avoid saying things like, "My pronouns are she/her, obviously." Saying “obviously” implies judgment and may make others uncomfortable about sharing their own pronouns. Gender identity is an internal experience, and not everyone's gender is "obvious."

No Intrusive Questions About Pronouns

If someone shares pronouns that are new to you, avoid prying for further personal details or questioning their choices. Respect their privacy and let them share more if they feel comfortable doing so.

It's okay to ask a clarifying question, so long as it is neutral and you convey your desire to use their pronouns correctly. This might look like: "I haven't used ze/zem/zer pronouns before. Would I say 'Ze went to the store and will be back soon with zer lunch?' Did I get that right?" Remember that your facial expressions and tone of voice matter when you ask clarifying questions. Be sure your good intentions match up with your body language and voice.

No Asking About Medical Procedures - Ever

Never ask about someone's medical or surgical history. It is invasive and irrelevant to your interactions with them. You would never ask a cisgender acquaintance or coworker about their prescriptions or genitals. Unless you are directly providing medical care to that person, it is not your business.

The Importance of Respecting Pronouns

Respecting someone's pronouns is a fundamental part of acknowledging their gender identity. Understanding the distinction between gender identity and external appearance is crucial. Disagreeing with someone's pronouns is not a valid reason to disregard their identity. Everyone deserves respect and recognition for who they are.

Instead of focusing on disagreement, take a moment to reflect on why it's essential to support and respect people's pronoun choices. Empathy and open-mindedness go a long way in fostering a more inclusive and compassionate society.

Doing Our Part To Uplift The Trans Community In Therapy

For many people, asking about pronouns isn’t significant. But for the people to whom it does matter, it matters a great deal. Asking and correctly addressing someone could change the course of someone’s day or week. It’s such a small, easy thing to do.

Asking someone their pronouns is a small but powerful step towards building a more inclusive community. It’s also how we can start making the world safer for trans people. It's crucial to be aware of the importance of pronoun awareness and practice. By approaching the topic with sensitivity and avoiding harmful behaviors, we can create a community where people of all genders feel respected. Affirming gender identities is a journey we must embark on together for a brighter and more accepting future.

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