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A long term relationship should have three elements: commitment, friendship, and passion. When these elements are in equilibrium, relationships thrive. But when they're not, people feel unsatisfied and anxious. Let's explore what each part means, the challenges that arise when they go missing, and how couples therapy can help restore balance.

Commitment: The Foundation of Love

Commitment is the dedication to standing by your relationship. It's the promise to stick with your partner through thick and thin, to weather life's storms together. For some people, this is a monogamy agreement or legal marriage. For others, it's a more intangible but shared agreement. But commitment goes beyond a legal or agreed-upon understanding. It also needs to be an internal pledge to stand by your partner.

When Commitment Is Missing

When one or both partners doesn't have an internal pledge to stand by the other, things feel off. Without commitment, relationships lack stability. Partners may hesitate to invest time and effort, leading to a sense of insecurity and doubt. If you're not sure if your partner would stand by you through serious illness or financial stress, your relationship may lack commitment.

Example: Maria and Ahmed have been in a relationship for three years. While they share a deep companionship and enjoy passionate moments, they have been struggling to commit to each other. Ahmed's family disapproves of their relationship, which has put a strain on their future plans. During arguments, they often threaten to break up as a way to deal with the stress of their situation. These constant break-up threats leave both feeling insecure and uncertain about the future. Their lack of commitment casts a shadow on their otherwise loving relationship, making it challenging to plan a life together.

How Couples Therapy Helps Build Commitment

Couples therapists assist couples in defining their commitment. A skilled couples therapist can help you understand the long-term benefits of investing in each other. They can also help explore internal and external barrier to commitment.

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Friendship: Building a Deep Connection

Friendship is the deep connection formed through shared experiences, conversations, and friendship. It's about being each other's confidants and closest allies. Relationships should be built on love AND liking. Friendship is that liking.

When Friendship Is Missing

A lack of friendship can lead to emotional distance within the relationship. Couples may feel disconnected or like strangers. They may feel nostalgic for when they felt closer. Ultimately, they feel alone.

Example: Javier and Mei, married for eight years with two kids, have always been deeply committed to each other. They've weathered many challenges together with unwavering dedication. They also have a healthy sex life from time to time. But over the years, they've gradually lost their sense of companionship. Their conversations are limited to practical matters, such as household chores and parenting. This leaves little room for emotional connection. They rarely spend quality time alone together outside of family time. What was once a loving relationship now feels more like a business partnership with occasional sex. They both long for the days when they were not just partners in life but also best friends.

How Couples Therapy Helps Rebuild Friendship

Couples therapists guide couples in rebuilding their friendship. They help open communication, teach active listening skills, and encourage quality time together. When a couple has children, they help couples refocus on their relationship outside of parenting. After all, the kids will grow up and leave, and the marriage should still be alive and well when they do.

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Passion: Keeping The Flame Alive

Passion is the spark that ignites physical attraction, desire, and intimacy. It's the romantic and sexual energy that keeps the relationship exciting and fulfilling. Early relationships often have much of this, as the neurochemicals that release when a new bond is formed go crazy. But this fades over time and often needs intentional effort to keep burning. Some couples may think something is wrong if they have to work to keep passion alive. But most couples do.

When Passion Is Missing

Diminished passion can lead to feelings of boredom or dissatisfaction. Couples might experience a lack of desire or emotional disconnection. They may stop having sex or stop feeling attraction to their partner. This is normal, but can be upsetting for couples who used to devour each other.

Example: Courtney and Rebecca have been together for six years. They share a strong sense of commitment and companionship. They have navigated life's ups and downs as a team, supporting each other through thick and thin. They also love spending time together traveling or doing puzzles or watching documentaries. But their physical intimacy has faded, and they find it challenging to reignite the spark. Despite their deep emotional connection and shared history, they miss the excitement and passion they used to feel.

How Couples Therapy Helps Restore Passion

Couples therapists address passion issues by helping couples explore their desires. Therapists can help each person express their needs. They'll also look at what some barriers to passion might be. This could be unequal division of labor, resentments, health issues, or exhaustion. Ultimately, couples can rediscover the physical and emotional aspects of their relationship.

Achieving Harmony Through Couples Therapy

Sophie and Carlos have been married for ten years. Throughout their relationship, they've faced various challenges and celebrated many milestones. During a difficult period of caring for an aging parent, they sought couples therapy. They were tired of feeling distant and passionless. With the guidance of their couples therapist, they learned to communicate better. Over time they rekindled their friendship and reignited their passion. Their commitment to each other remained unwavering throughout their journey. With their friendship and passion reawakened, their relationship felt complete and fulfilling.

With couples therapy, it's possible to achieve a balance of commitment, companionship, and passion. leading to a fulfilling and complete relationship. Balancing commitment, friendship, and passion is essential for a thriving relationship. When one of these elements begins to wane, it can have a ripple effect on the entire relationship. Couples therapy provides a safe and supportive environment for partners to address these issues. Your therapist will give you tools to work through challenges and rekindle the love that first brought you together. By nurturing all three elements, couples can build enduring and fulfilling relationships that stand the test of time.

Couples Therapy in San Francisco, Los Angeles, and Santa Cruz

If you and your partner are yearning to rediscover the passion in your relationship, consider scheduling a free therapy consultation today. Our experienced couples therapists specialize in helping couples navigate challenges and revitalize their connection. Whether you're facing feelings of boredom, dissatisfaction, or a lack of intimacy, therapy can provide you with the tools and support needed to restore passion and fulfillment in your relationship. Take the first step towards a more satisfying partnership by booking your consultation now.