What We Can Learn From Michelle Obama’s Experience In Couples Therapy
Couples often come to therapy at a point of crisis or significant life changes. The hope is for a sudden, dramatic turnaround in the relationship. And it's totally possible to change. We've seen it happen. But a roadblock arises when someone expects their partner to be the sole catalyst for change. Even Michelle Obama experienced this in couples therapy with Barack. Let's explore why this can be problematic and why a different approach makes couples therapy actually work.
One-Sided Change In Couples Therapy
It's all too easy to see everything your partner is doing wrong. If they would just change a few behaviors, everything could be so great! But anticipating that your partner will be the one undergoing transformation is a dead end. No good couples therapist will sign off on it, either. While the idea of having a therapist validate your perspective is appealing, it rarely plays out. Relationships are intricate, dynamic interactions. Expecting one person to bear the entire burden of change is an unrealistic approach.
The Time Michelle Obama Expected Their Couples Therapist To Take Her Side Over Barack's
Even the best of us sometimes expect our partner to be the one who changes. In her book Becoming, Michelle Obama shared some of the challenges she and Barack faced when he was a junior senator. He was always texting that he was leaving work and would be home for dinner. When he arrived home hours later, the food was cold and the kids should have been asleep. Everyone was hungry and exhausted and conflict arose. Understandably, Michelle was frustrated. She expected Barack to change and be home when he said he would be. They started couples therapy and Michelle was looking forward to the therapist supporting her position. But their couples therapist surprised her by challenging her to identify what she could do differently.
Ultimately, the couples therapist did tell Barack not to say he was on his way home before he'd left work. But the therapist also helped Michelle see that she was part of the problem. Together, they agreed Michelle would serve dinner at the same time each night and put the kids to sleep at bedtime. If Barack was home for dinner or bedtime stories, great! And if not, Michelle and kids would eat and go to bed. No one was hungry or exhausted. The problem - and the solution! - was both of their responsibility.
Shared Responsibility In Couples Therapy
Just like Michelle and Barack, healthy relationship requires shared responsibility. Expecting one partner to carry the majority of the work creates an unequal power dynamic. Both partners must contribute to building the foundation of a strong relationship.
Consider The Drawbacks Of One-Sided Couples Therapy
If your partner feels ganged up on or unheard, they are likely to disengage from couples therapy. When people are seen, heard, and understood, they are open to change and connection. When they are dismissed, blamed, or criticized, they shut down.
Interconnected Dynamics in Couples Therapy
Relationships function as systems where one person's actions influence the other. Recognizing the interconnected dynamics is crucial. Viewing each person as a static entity, rather than part of a system, can hinder progress in therapy. Relationships are intricate systems, and overlooking interconnected dynamics hinders therapeutic progress. A couple might be struggling with differing life goals, and couples therapy can help them see how each partner's aspirations influence the other. This encourages a holistic understanding.
Communication Styles In Couples Therapy
Differences in communication styles often lead to misunderstandings. That's why it's one of the most common reasons people come to couples therapy. What may seem hostile or dismissive might not be the intended message. Effective communication is a two-way street. Adapting styles for better interaction is key to resolving conflicts.
Communication styles often become a source of conflict in relationships. Take Chris and Taylor, where Chris perceives Taylor's directness as dismissive. Taylor thought he was being proactive by communicating directly. In couples therapy, they learned to navigate these differences. Taylor learned the impact of a soft startup, and Chris learned that Taylor had good intentions. Understanding that effective communication is a skill honed collaboratively. Couples therapy transforms communication patterns, emphasizing mutual understanding and adaptability.
Collaborative Problem-Solving In Couples Therapy
While specific behaviors may need addressing, expecting one partner to change is unrealistic. Couples therapy should focus on collaborative problem-solving, where both people play for the same team. The therapist acts as a coach guiding the couple to become the best team possible.
Here's an example. Ryan believes that if Jordan changes, their financial issues will disappear. Couples therapy reframed this perspective, helping Ryan see that it isn't just Jordan's spending that is a problem. They both need to be responsible for communicating about spending, budgeting, and aligning behavior with values. They need to be clear on what accounts they share, what their financial contributions to the household are, and what autonomy they have. Again, both partners need to play for the same team. Therapists act as coaches - not referees - fostering collaboration and guiding couples toward solutions that benefit the relationship as a whole.
Building a Strong Foundation Through Couples Therapy
Building a strong foundation requires mutual respect and trust. Both partners must actively contribute to. If expectations lean towards the therapist taking sides, disappointment is likely to follow.
Sarah and Michael, seeking therapy due to emotional distance, may initially expect the therapist to side with one of them. But distance requires two people. Even in the too-common pursuer-distancer dynamic, both partners have a role in change. The pursuer must back off, and the distancer must move toward the pursuer. Only if both people do their job will balance be restored.
Long-Term Relationship Skills Acquired in Online Couples Therapy
Couples therapy isn't just about resolving immediate issues. It's also about acquiring long-term relationship skills. Both partners should expect some growing pains along the way. But the process contributes to their relationship's overall strength. Some of these skills might include the antidotes to the Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse.
If you see criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling creeping up in your relationship, beware! Your couples therapist can teach you skills that will decrease those behaviors. We recommend working with a Gottman Method Couples Therapist.
Equal Partnership: The Realistic Goal of Online Couples Therapy
In couples therapy, the expectation of one-sided change is a setup for disappointment. A successful approach involves recognizing shared responsibility, understanding system dynamics, and collaborative problem-solving. Building a strong foundation is a joint effort, leading to long-term relationship skills. Remember, therapy is a team effort. Both partners play a crucial role in creating a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.
Ready to Transform Your Relationship?
Start a journey to strengthen your relationship through collaborative and transformative couples therapy. Serving San Francisco, Los Angeles, Santa Cruz, and all of California and Florida, our couples therapists are here to guide you and your partner towards lasting happiness and fulfillment. The initial consultation is no-pressure and meant to understand and pair you with the best fit therapist.
