7 Things That Can’t Be Fixed in Couples Therapy
Couples therapy is a powerful tool for healing and strengthening relationships. But not everything can be resolved in therapy. Therapy can address many issues, but there are certain situations where the challenges are too big. Here are the seven most common things therapy can't change:
Common Things That Can’t Be Fixed In Couples Therapy
1. Fundamental Couples Incompatibility
Sometimes couples discover that they have fundamental differences in core values, goals, or personalities. These differences cannot be reconciled. Your personality and values can’t be influenced by a therapist, nor should they be. While therapy can help improve communication and understanding, it may not bridge gaps that are too wide.
2. Unresolved Trauma or Unhealed Wounds
Couples may carry individual trauma or unhealed emotional wounds from the past. While therapy can provide a supportive environment for processing these issues, it may not heal deep traumas. This can be tricky, because many people want to believe a good relationship can heal. And yes, a good relationship can offer a better emotional attachment experience. But often, individual therapy might be necessary.
3. Lack of Emotional Connection Between Partners
In some cases, the emotional connection between partners has eroded too much. While therapy can provide tools for better communication, it may not reignite the spark if it has gone out. This is particularly true when one person isn't fully bought in to the process.
4. Ongoing Infidelity or Betrayal
Couples therapy can address issues of infidelity and betrayal. But it may not always lead to forgiveness or rebuilding of trust. Esther Perel's work has shed light on the three possible outcomes to infidelity. These possibilities are: separation, continuing on with pain, and making meaning out of the hurt. In some instances, the damage to trust is irreparable, and the relationship may not survive. This is especially true when infidelity is chronic or paired with other betrayals.
5. Toxic Couple Dynamics
Couples stuck in toxic patterns of abuse, manipulation, or neglect struggle to break free from these cycles. While therapy can provide strategies for change, it doesn't guarantee lasting transformation. If both partners are not committed to genuine change, it's unlikely to happen. It's also important for therapy not to reinforce any negative dynamic. The potential for this to happen is higher with abusers, narcissists, and people who are selfishly dishonest.
6. One Partner's Unwillingness to Change
For therapy to be effective, both partners need to be willing to work on the relationship. If one partner is resistant to change or therapy, it can hinder progress and, in some cases, make healing impossible. This is heartbreaking for the person who does want to work on the relationship.
7. Mental Health Issues
Couples therapy can be helpful when one or both partners are dealing with mental health challenges. But when these issues are severe and unmanaged, therapy alone may not be ehough. In such cases, individual therapy or other forms of support may be necessary.
So Why Bother With Couples Therapy?
It's a common misconception that therapists are always invested in keeping a couple together. A good therapist will be neutral and help both parties decide what feels best to them. Good therapy might result in a couple coming to the decision to part ways, and then help them separate with integrity. The integrity piece is of utmost important. You and your partner deserve the best possible ending to your relationship. Whether that's at the end of your lives or by respectiful decision before then is up to you. But the quality of whatever decisions you make will be better through couples therapy.
How To Address The Limitations of Couples Therapy
Couples therapy can work wonders, helping partners improve communication and rebuild connections. But some situations where the challenges are too deep-rooted or the willingness to change is absent are tough to make progress with. Approach couples therapy with realistic expectations and an open mind. If you find that certain issues cannot be fixed, consider what is best for your well-being and happiness. This might mean exploring individual therapy or making difficult decisions about the relationship.
Deciding What's Best for You
When couples therapy reaches a point where issues cannot be resolved, consider what is best individually and as a couple. Here are some steps to help you navigate this complex situation:
1. Individual Therapy
In cases of trauma or mental health issues, individual therapy can be a powerful complement to couples therapy. It allows you to address personal issues that might be affecting couples therapy. It helps you develop a deeper understanding of your needs and goals.
2. Honest Conversations in Couples Therapy
Have candid discussions with your partner about your feelings, needs, and concerns. Share your thoughts on the progress and effectiveness of couples therapy. But be careful not to mistake honesty for cruelty. You can be honest and still be loving and respectful of your partner's feelings.
3. Assessing Relationship Goals in Couples Therapy
Reflect on your relationship goals and whether they align with your partner's goals. In some cases, you may discover that you have different visions for the future.
4. Bring The Lack of Progress Up In Couples Therapy
Consult with your therapist. They can offer valuable insights and advice about whether the issues you face can be addressed in therapy or if it's time to consider other options. A good couples therapist can make space for your frustration and uncertainty about therapy. They shouldn't take it personally. Remember, therapy is your space.
5. Making Difficult Decisions in Couples Therapy
Sometimes, making a decision about the future of the relationship is the best course of action. This can be a challenging step, but it's important to prioritize your well-being and happiness.
What Does Dealing With Unfixable Problems In Couples Therapy Look Like?
Alex and Jamie had been together for eight years and had sought couples therapy to address their struggles. They faced various challenges in their relationship:
Alex's workaholic tendencies had led to feelings of neglect and loneliness for Jamie.
Jamie had unresolved childhood trauma that resulted in emotional outbursts and difficulty trusting.
The couple had a fundamental mismatch in their long-term goals. Alex desired a family with children and Jamie prioritized personal growth and self-discovery.
After several months of couples therapy, it became evident that some of their core issues remained unresolved:
Fundamental Incompatibility
Despite improved communication and a better understanding, their life goals remained too different. Alex's desire for a family conflicted with Jamie's need for personal growth, leading to ongoing tension.
Unresolved Trauma and Mental Health
While therapy helped Jamie make progress in managing emotional outbursts, the trauma and mental health issues required individual therapy. Luckily, Jamie was willing to address this and experienced deep healing through EMDR therapy.
One Partner's Unwillingness to Change
Alex's commitment to the relationship had waned as their fundamental incompatibility became clearer. Their unwillingness to change their long-term goals created a gridlock.
The couples therapist worked with Alex and Jamie to acknowledge the challenges and explore solutions:
Jamie began individual therapy to address their childhood trauma and emotional regulation.
The therapist helped the couple have honest conversations about their long-term goals and dreams.
Alex and Jamie decided to transition an amicable friendship. While it was painful at first, they knew their romantic relationship couldn't accommodate both their goals.
Alex and Jamie's experience shows that certain issues cannot be resolved in couples therapy. Sometimes making decisions that prioritize each person's well-being and happiness are best. In this case, the transition to a different form of relationship allowed both Alex and Jamie to pursue their individual goals and find contentment in separate paths while preserving their respect and care for each other.
Couples Therapy In San Francisco and Los Angeles for Lasting Change and Happiness
Couples therapy is a valuable resource for addressing a wide range of relationship issues. But there are circumstances where certain challenges may remain deeply rooted. In these cases, explore alternative paths and make decisions that align with your long-term happiness. Whether that means continuing therapy, seeking individual support, or making a big relationship decision, your ultimate goal should be to foster a sense of peace and fulfillment.
