This One Phrase Can Help You De-Escalate Conflict Immediately
Conflict happens in all relationships—whether it’s with partners, family, friends, or colleagues. In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to feel misunderstood or defensive. But there’s one simple phrase that can shift the tone of the conversation, calm tensions, and foster collaboration. Our therapists recommend it as a great way to diffuse a heated situation.
“Can you help me understand...?”
This powerful question shows that you’re willing to listen, learn their perspective, and approach the situation with curiosity rather than judgment. Here's why it works and how to use it effectively.
Why “Can You Help Me Understand...?” Works
It Shows Willingness to Collaborate
This phrase signals that you’re not trying to “win” the argument but instead want to work together to find clarity or a solution. It positions you as a partner and teammate rather than an adversary. When the other person feels that you're on their team, they're more likely to calm down.
It Validates the Other Person
Asking for understanding shows humility and respect for the other person’s perspective. It lets them know that their point of view matters, which can soften defensiveness and encourage open communication. It also makes space for their experience.
It Redirects Emotions
Conflict often triggers emotional reactions like anger or frustration. Using a calm and curious tone when asking this question helps diffuse heightened emotions and shifts the focus back to understanding.
How to Use This Phrase Effectively
Tone is key when using this phrase. It needs to come from a place of genuine curiosity, not sarcasm or frustration. A calm, neutral tone will invite openness, while an accusatory one might escalate the conflict further.
Example 1: With Your Partner
Conflict: Your partner is upset but you're not sure why.
Response: “Can you help me understand why you're upset? I see you're unhappy and I'd like to fix it, but I need a little more information to do that. I want to make sure I’m seeing things from your perspective.”
Example 2: With a Colleague
Conflict: A coworker is unhappy with how a project was handled.
Response: “Can you help me understand what you think went wrong? I want to make sure we’re on the same page moving forward.”
Example 3: With a Friend
Conflict: Your friend seems distant.
Response: “Can you help me understand what you’re feeling? I care about our friendship and would like to know what's going on with you.”
Example 4: With a Family Member
Conflict: A family member reacts strongly to a decision you made.
Response: “Can you help me understand why this decision is upsetting for you? I want us to talk about it.”
Benefits of Using This Phrase
Reduces Defensiveness: It encourages the other person to share without fear of being criticized.
Encourages Empathy. By seeking their perspective, you’re more likely to understand their feelings and needs.
Promotes Constructive Dialogue. This approach keeps the conversation focused on problem-solving rather than blame or escalation.
How NOT to Use “Can You Help Me Understand...?”
While “Can you help me understand?” is a great tool for de-escalating conflict, its effectiveness depends entirely on how it’s delivered. Using the phrase in the wrong way—whether intentionally or unintentionally—can escalate the conflict rather than resolve it. Here are some ways to avoid misusing this approach:
1. Avoid a Mocking or Sarcastic Tone
Delivering the phrase with sarcasm is dismissive or patronizing. For example:
Wrong: “Oh, can you help me understand why you’re making such a big deal out of this?” The mocking tone invalidates the other person’s feelings and puts them on the defensive.
Instead try saying as calmly as you can: "I see you're really upset right now. I'm also feeling upset and would like to take a 20 minute break and come back to the conversation when I can be calmer and more kind. I want to understand but I'm not in the right headspace."
2. Avoid Adding Judgmental or Generalized Phrases
Following “Can you help me understand?” with a critical or accusatory statement undermines the question's intention. Avoid absolute terms like “always” and “never.”
Wrong: “Can you help me understand why you’re always so sensitive about everything?” This shifts the focus from collaboration to blame, making the other person feel judged.
Instead try saying gently: "Can you help me understand what was triggering about this particular conversation?"
3. Avoid Belittling Facial Expressions or Body Language
Nonverbal communication, like rolling your eyes or smirking, can negate the sincerity of your words.
Wrong: Saying, “Can you help me understand?” while crossing your arms, sighing dramatically, or using a dismissive tone. Your body language can convey contempt or frustration, which increases tension.
Instead try: "I'm feeling really agitated and need to take a minute so I can talk about this calmly." Take a few deep breaths, maybe leave the room, and return when you're ready to listen.
The Right Way to Use It “Can You Help Me Understand...?”
To ensure the phrase is effective:
Keep your tone neutral and calm.
Pair the phrase with open body language, such as uncrossed arms and a relaxed posture.
Don't generalize or criticize.
Pair with I statements
Stay curious, and avoid framing the question as a way to “prove a point.”
When used thoughtfully, “Can you help me understand...?” can open the door to better communication and more collaborative conflict resolution.
Curiosity Over Judgment
“Can you help me understand?” is more than just a phrase—it’s a mindset. It demonstrates humility, empathy, and a willingness to connect and collaborate. In moments of conflict, it’s easy to get caught up in our own emotions or assumptions. But this simple question can help us pause, listen, and approach the situation collaboratively.
Next time you find yourself in a disagreement, try using this phrase. You might be surprised by how quickly it diffuses tension and leads to more productive, meaningful conversations.
Therapy In Los Angeles to Help With Communication, Boundaries, and Building Happy Relationships
If you want to level up your communication, relationships, boundaries, and emotional regulation, our therapists are ready to help. We offer holistic therapy, couples therapy, and individual therapy to for teenagers and adults, both in person in West Los Angeles and virtually throughout California and Florida. Schedule a free consultation for therapy today.
