What to Do If Your Partner is Smothering You
Feeling smothered in a relationship is awful. It makes you feel resentful of someone you care about simply for wanting your attention. It also makes you less likely to want to give that attention. While it's natural to want closeness with your partner, there are times when too much attention or dependency can become suffocating. If you're feeling like your partner is smothering you, it's important to address the issue in a way that respects both your needs and theirs. As couples therapists, we think understanding why this might be happening through the lens of attachment can be a helpful first step in finding relief for both of you.
Understanding Clinginess Through Attachment Theory
Attachment theory provides a framework for understanding how people form bonds with others. Developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, it explains that our early experiences with caregivers influence how we relate to others in adulthood. There are four main attachment styles:
Secure Attachment. Individuals with a secure attachment style feel comfortable with closeness and independence. They trust their partners and have a healthy balance of intimacy and autonomy.
Anxious Attachment. Those with an anxious attachment style often crave closeness and fear abandonment. They may become overly dependent on their partners for reassurance and support.
Avoidant Attachment. Individuals with an avoidant attachment style value independence and may struggle with intimacy. They tend to distance themselves from emotional closeness to protect themselves. It makes sense, but it also deprives them of the love and closeness they want deep down.
Disorganized Attachment. This attachment style is characterized by a mix of anxious and avoidant behaviors. People with a disorganized attachment style may have unpredictable responses to closeness and intimacy. Often, they are survivors of significant trauma.
Why Your Partner Might Be Smothering You
If your partner is smothering you, they might have an anxious attachment style. This can manifest as clinginess, a need for constant reassurance, and difficulty being alone. They might fear losing you or worry about being abandoned, leading them to seek excessive closeness and attention. They're not doing it on purpose, but it can certainly strain a relationship.
The Pursuer-Distancer Pattern
The pursuer-distancer pattern is a common dynamic in relationships. This pattern happens when one partner seeks more closeness (the pursuer), and the other desires more space (the distancer). This pattern can leave both partners feeling misunderstood and unsatisfied.
How the Pursuer-Distancer Pattern Works
The Pursuer. The pursuer often feels very anxious about the relationship and seeks excessive reassurance. This is why you feel smothered. They are truly distressed under the surface. Even if you haven't done anything wrong, their distress isn't totally about you. Remember, this attachment style started when they were small. They may initiate conversations, demand attention, and become upset if their partner seems distant. This is not from a logical or rational place. Remember, they didn't get consistent or attentive care as a child. They are trying to get their basic safety needs met the only way they know how.
The Distancer. The distancer values independence and may feel overwhelmed by the pursuer's demands for closeness. They might withdraw, avoid conversations, or become emotionally unavailable when they feel smothered. They hate the feeling of being trapped or having too much expectation on them. Deep down they really do want connection, but not if it costs them their independence. They are capable of loving deeply, but sometimes struggle to express it in a way others feel.
Breaking the Pursuer-Distancer Pattern
Breaking the pursuer-distancer pattern requires both partners to address their underlying needs and fears. It may take some time to get your partner on board. Remember, they're just trying to get their core security needs met. Here are some strategies to help you and your partner create a more balanced and harmonious relationship:
Reflection. Reflect on attachment style and understand why your partner might feel anxious or needy. Do the same for yourself. Do you see a pattern of holding people at arm's length? Do you bolt when someone starts to depend on you? Does closeness make you anxious? Or do you simply need more alone time to recharge? Be real with yourself. Awareness can help you recognize what's yourself to fix and work towards change.
Effective Communication. Talk with your partner about how you're feeling. Use "I" statements to express your needs and concerns without blaming or criticizing them. For example, say, "I feel overwhelmed when I don't have time for myself" instead of "You’re always smothering me." Try making it a game of not using the word "you" at all.
Express Unrelenting Empathy. If they feel misunderstood or blamed, they will shut down or lash out. It's so critical for them to feel like you truly, deeply understand them. When they feel understand, you're more likely to get buy-in. Be truly compassionate and demonstrate that you understand their distress and their needs.
Collaboratively Set Expectations: Establish a baseline that allow for both closeness and independence. Discuss what each of you needs to feel comfortable and respected in the relationship. For example, you might agree to set aside specific times for alone time or shared activities...
Create Structure To Contain Anxiety. Simply stating that you need more alone time will not create enough safety and reassurance for your anxious partner. Be specific and volunteer reassurance before they need to ask. For example, "I'm going to take Saturday mornings for myself and go for a long run. Then we can tackle that project in the afternoon and go to a nice dinner." The important part of this is actually following through.
Encourage Individuality. Encourage your partner to develop their own interests and hobbies outside the relationship. This can help them build self-confidence and reduce dependency on you for fulfillment.
Prioritize Quality Time. Focus on meaningful and intentional moments together. Five hours on the couch scrolling next to each other isn't the same as one hour of focused, intentonal conversation. Quality time can strengthen your connection and reassure both partners of their importance in the relationship.
Volunteer Reassurance. For some anxious partners, no amount of reassurance feels like enough. This can feel frustrating for their partners, who then become less likely to give it. But you still ahve to give it. While you can encourage them to express their needs directly, you do need to volunteer reassurance. They will experience voluntary reassurance as more authentic and meaningful. Reassurance can become a sticky point that eventually needs assistance from a couples therapist.
When Couples Therapy Might Be a Good Idea
If you and your partner are struggling to break the pursuer-distancer pattern, couples therapy can help. A couples therapist can help both partners understand their attachment styles and provide space and strategies to improve communication and connection.
Benefits of Couples Therapy
Therapist Neutrality. One of the most powerful things about couples therapy is that the couples therapist shouldn't take sides. They are an objective observer. This means they can give feedback to both of you that has no personal agenda. Knowing this, both partners are likely more receptive than hearing the same feedback from each other.
Understanding Attachment Styles. Therapy can help partners explore their attachment styles and how they impact the relationship. This understanding can lead to greater empathy and compassion for each other's needs. It can de-personalize conflict and get both partners playing for the same team.
Improved Communication. A therapist can teach effective communication skills that foster constructive dialogue. This can help partners express their needs and emotions more effectively.
Conflict Management. Therapy provides a safe space to address conflicts and work towards resolution. While all relationships have conflict, some is healthier than others. A couples therapist can guide couples in making their conflict less taxing and more effecgive.
Strengthened Connection. Through therapy, couples can build a deeper emotional connection. This can help partners feel more secure and satisfied in the relationship.
Couples Therapy In California and Florida
Feeling smothered in a relationship can be challenging, but it also presents an opportunity for growth. If you're considering couples therapy to help with the pursuer-distancer pattern, our couples therapists specialize in helping couples build healthy relationships. We offer services to residents of California and Florida. Schedule a consultation and start your journey toward a healthier, less smothering relationship.
