What To Do If Your Partner Acts Differently Toward You Around Family or Work Colleagues
Noticing your partner behaving differently around family or colleagues can feel confusing or even hurtful. They might seem more distant, overly agreeable, or act in a way that feels out of character compared to how they are with you in private. While this shift can be unsettling, it doesn’t always mean something is wrong in your relationship.
Why It Happens
Social Expectations. Your partner may feel pressure to conform to certain social norms or expectations around family, friends or colleagues, leading them to adjust their behavior.
Anxiety or Stress. Social situations, especially those involving work or family, can trigger anxiety, causing them to act differently.
Relationship Dynamics. They may unconsciously fall into old family roles or act in ways they think will reflect positively in professional settings.
Unspoken Conflict. If there’s underlying tension between you and your partner or their family or colleagues, it could affect their behavior.
What You Can Do
1. Reflect on the Context
Ask yourself when and where you notice this behavior. Does it only happen around certain people? At certain events? Certain times of year? Understanding the triggers can help you approach the situation with empathy.
2. Consider Their Perspective
Your partner might not realize they’re acting differently. They could be adapting to social pressures or managing their own discomfort. Listening to their experience without judgment can foster understanding.
3. Have a Conversation
Choose a neutral, private moment to share your observations. Use “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory. Make sure your tone of voice is neutral and you are as calm as you can be. If you can't be calm, wait until you can. Here are some examples or calm, neutral ways to get started:
“I noticed you seemed quieter around your family. Is there something on your mind?”
“I feel confused when you act differently at work events. Can we talk about what’s happening?”
4. Focus on Building Trust
Let your partner know you’re on the same team. Reinforce your commitment to working through challenges together and supporting them in stressful situations.
5. Set Boundaries Together
If certain environments are always triggering, discuss strategies to handle these situations as a team. agree on subtle cues to check in with each other or limit the time spent in uncomfortable settings. Perhaps you don't need to attend certain work events, or participate in all extended family traditions.
Why It’s Best to Address It After the Fact
Bringing up the behavior in the moment can put your partner on the defensive, especially if they’re already feeling anxious or stressed. Waiting until you’re both in a calm, private setting creates a safer environment for conversation. It also allows you time to feel less activated, meaning you can be more present and a better listener.
How to Start the Conversation
If you're not calm, wait.
Remember that you and your partner are on the same team, and the opponent is hurt feelings and miscommunication. Your goal is to defeat misunderstanding, not each other.
Ask questions and listen.
Use “I” statements to share your observations, such as:
“I noticed you seemed distant at dinner with your colleagues. Can we talk about what was going on?”
Avoid placing blame or jumping to conclusions; instead, express curiosity and a desire to understand.
How Attachment Styles May Influence This Behavior
Attachment styles—how we connect with others based on early relationships—can play a big role in how your partner acts in social settings.
Anxious Attachment. They may act differently to seek approval from family or colleagues, fearing rejection.
Avoidant Attachment. They might withdraw or seem less connected to protect themselves emotionally.
Secure Attachment. They’re likely to remain consistent in how they engage with you and others.
Understanding attachment can help you approach your partner with empathy rather than frustration. For example, if they lean toward anxious attachment, they may need reassurance from you during social gatherings.
When It Happens Around Family, Especially In-Laws
If your partner frequently acts differently around family—especially in-laws—it’s worth examining the dynamics at play. They might feel caught between pleasing their family and staying aligned with you, which can create tension.
Steps to Address the Issue:
Debrief After Family Gatherings. Wait until you're both calm and grounded, then ask open-ended questions like, “How did you feel during that dinner? I noticed you seemed quieter than usual.”
Set Boundaries Together. Discuss any family behaviors that cause discomfort, and agree on boundaries to protect both of you.
Present a United Front. Reinforce being a team, so your partner feels supported while navigating family dynamics.
For more on managing in-law relationships, check out our blog on Dealing with Difficult In-Laws.
Distinguishing Rude or Dismissive Behavior from Toxic or Abusive Behavior
It’s important to differentiate between behavior that’s rude or dismissive and behavior that crosses the line into toxic or abusive territory. While both can harm relationships, the approach to addressing them differs significantly.
Rude or Dismissive Behavior
Rude or dismissive behavior might include interrupting, ignoring your concerns, or being overly blunt during social situations. These behaviors can stem from stress, social pressure, or thoughtlessness and are often unintentional. They can usually be addressed through open communication and boundary-setting.
Toxic or Abusive Behavior
Toxic or abusive behavior is more severe, often involving repeated patterns of control, manipulation, or emotional harm. Examples include:
Consistent belittling or gaslighting.
Intentional humiliation, mocking, or public embarrassment
Attempts to isolate you from others.
Intentionally ignoring or undermining your needs.
How to Respond
If your partner’s behavior feels dismissive, start by expressing your feelings calmly and seeking clarification. However, if the behavior feels manipulative, controlling, or abusive, it’s crucial to seek professional guidance. Therapy can help you navigate these situations and determine the best steps forward.
Strengthening Communication Through Couples Therapy
If these patterns create ongoing tension, couples therapy can provide tools to better understand each other and address underlying issues. Gottman Method Couples Therapy, for example, focuses on improving communication and trust in all areas of your relationship.
If you’re in Los Angeles or San Francisco, schedule a free consultation with our team to explore how therapy can help you navigate these challenges and build a stronger, more connected partnership.
