What’s the Difference? Relationship Dealbreakers, Incompatibilities & Perpetual Problems

Relationships are beautifully complex, often filled with joy and deep connection. But they can also be challenging, with issues that test the strength of your bond. Understanding the differences between dealbreakers, incompatibilities, perpetual problems, and differences in core values can provide clarity. This can help you navigate your relationship better and determine when couples therapy might be needed.

Relationship Dealbreakers

What Are Dealbreakers?

Dealbreakers are behaviors or circumstances that one partner finds absolutely unacceptable. They are cause for ending the relationship, and are personal and unique to each individual. What is a dealbreaker for a friend might not be one for you. Recognizing these dealbreakers early on is crucial. Ignoring them can lead to significant unhappiness and conflict down the line.

Examples:

1. Infidelity is a common dealbreaker. For some, cheating shatters the trust in a relationship beyond repair.

2. Substance abuse can be a dealbreaker if it leads to erratic behavior or emotional instability.

3. Dishonesty about finances, such as hiding debts or secret spending, can erode trust and become a dealbreaker.

Identifying Your Dealbreakers

1. Reflect on Past Relationships. Think about what caused major conflicts in your previous relationships.

2. Communicate Early: Discuss your non-negotiables with your partner early in the relationship.

3. Be Honest with Yourself. Understand what you can and cannot tolerate in a relationship.

What To Do If You Have A Dealbreaker

Unfortunately, if you truly find the behavior unacceptable and they won't change, your only option is to end the relationship. Ultimatums don't work and behavioral change demanded by someone else won't last. It can be really painful, but if it's a true dealbreaker, you're at an impasse.

Fundamental Incompatibilities

Understanding Incompatibilities

Incompatibilities arise from core differences in personality, lifestyle, or values that can't be reconciled. These differences often lead to ongoing conflict and dissatisfaction if left unaddressed.

Examples:

1. One partner might be highly extroverted and love social gatherings, while the other is introverted and prefers quiet nights at home. This core difference can create tension and misunderstandings.

2. A significant age difference where one partner is at a different life stage, leading to conflicting priorities and goals.

3. Differing career aspirations where one partner wants to travel frequently while the other prefers stability and home life.

Signs of Incompatibility

1. Frequent disagreements about fundamental aspects of life.

2. Feeling misunderstood or not accepted by your partner.

3. Persistent unhappiness despite efforts to improve the relationship.

What to Do About Fundamental Incompatibilities

Incompatibilities require a deep and honest conversation with your partner about the future of your relationship. Some differences may never be fully reconciled, and that's okay. Focus on finding common ground and areas where compromises can be made. If both partners are committed to making the relationship work, it might involve setting realistic expectations and boundaries that respect each other's differences. In many cases, couples therapy can provide valuable strategies for managing these incompatibilities. A good couples therapist can help you understand each other's perspectives and work towards a more harmonious relationship.

Perpetual Problems

What Are Perpetual Problems?

Perpetual problems are recurring issues that stem from basic personality differences or conflicting life goals. Unlike dealbreakers, these problems can often be managed with effort and understanding.

Examples:

1. One partner might be a spender while the other is a saver. This can lead to regular arguments but can be managed with good communication and compromise.

2. Different sleeping habits, such as one partner being a night owl and the other an early bird, which can cause disruptions and irritations.

3. Differences in cleanliness standards, where one partner is very tidy and the other is more relaxed about household organization.

Managing Perpetual Problems

1. Accept Some Problems Can't Be Fully Resolved. Recognize and accept that some issues will always be part of your relationship.

2. Focus on Management: Work on managing the problem rather than trying to eliminate it.

3. Develop Strategies for Compromise: Create solutions that involve open communication and compromise.

Core Values Differences

Defining Core Values

Core values are the deeply held beliefs and principles that guide your life. Differences in core values can be particularly challenging because they touch on fundamental aspects of who you are and what you believe.

Examples:

1. Differences in religious beliefs, ethical values, or life goals can cause significant friction. If one partner values environmental conservation deeply and the other is indifferent, this can create ongoing conflict.

2. Differing political views that can affect decisions on family planning, education, and social activities.

3. One partner may value independence and personal space while the other prioritizes togetherness and shared activities.

Navigating Core Values Differences

1. Communicate Respectfully: Discuss your values and listen to your partner's perspective.

2. Seek to Understand: Strive to understand and respect your partner's values, even if they differ from yours.

3. Find Common Ground: Look for areas of compromise where both partners feel respected and heard.

How Couples Therapy Can Help

Couples therapy provides a structured environment to explore and address these challenges. Here’s how it can be beneficial:

1. Improved Communication

Therapists help couples improve their communication skills. They teach techniques for listening actively and expressing thoughts and feelings clearly without escalating conflicts.

Gottman therapists help with concrete communication tools to decrease conflict and make communication more effective. Tools such as the soft startup, I statements, cooloff strategies, and more can revolutionize how you talk to each other.

2. Conflict Resolution Strategies

Therapists guide couples in developing effective conflict resolution strategies. This includes identifying the root causes of conflicts and finding ways to manage or resolve them if possible. A therapist might help a couple develop a plan to address ongoing issues before they escalate.

3. Understanding and Accepting Differences

Therapists assist couples in understanding and accepting their differences. Identifying perpetual problems and finding ways to manage them without resentment takes guidance. If a couple has different views on socializing, a therapist can help them create a balance that respects both partners' needs.

4. Strengthening Emotional Connection

Therapists work with couples to strengthen their emotional connection through deep understand of each other's inner worlds. This is called building a "love map." This involves building trust, intimacy, and mutual respect, which are essential for a healthy relationship. Activities that promote bonding, like sharing daily gratitude or setting aside quality time, can enhance emotional closeness.

5. Aligning Core Values

Therapists help couples explore their core values and find common ground. This can involve creating a shared vision for the future that honors both partners' beliefs and goals.

A therapist might help a couple align their values around family planning, career, or lifestyle choices. Ideally, both partners feel heard and respected.

Couples Therapy In Los Angeles, San Francisco, and Beyond

Is your relationship facing challenges? We offer specialized couples therapy in California & Florida. Our Gottman Method Couples Therapists can help you navigate dealbreakers, incompatibilities, perpetual problems, and core values differences. Schedule a free consultation today to start building a harmonious future together.