How Couples Can Be Less Codependent And Move Toward Interdependence
Codependence is characterized by excessive reliance on a partner. It's also sometimes called enmeshment. Many couples experience it, and it can seriously undermine the health and balance of your relationship. While closeness feels good, losing your independent sense of self isn't good for anyone. Transitioning from codependence to interdependence—a state where partners support each other while maintaining their own identities—requires effort. Here's how to do it.
Why Do Some Couples Become Codependent While Others Don't?
There are many reasons some couples become codependent. The most common reason is anxious attachment style. This is often rooted in family of origin trauma. Others find themselves enmeshed by circumstance.
Are Codependent Relationships Bad?
They're not bad, but they are not as satisfying or long-lasting as interdependent relationships. Having your sense of self and identity tied to another person creates more anxiety than it is trying to soothe.
Understanding Attachment Styles
Attachment theory explains how early interactions with caregivers shape our approach to relationships. Recognizing your attachment style can help you understand your relationship dynamics and guide your path toward interdependence. Attachment can be re-wired over time with good support, self-awareness, and commitment to meeting your own needs.
Secure Attachment
Individuals with a secure attachment style are comfortable with intimacy and independence. They trust their partners and can balance closeness with personal space. In relationships, they exhibit healthy interdependence, characterized by mutual support and respect. Still, sometimes secure adults find themselves in codependent relationships. This often happens when their partner is anxious, or circumstances force more closeness. This can be a living situation, moving to a new city, or one partner being financially, socially, or medically dependent on the other.
Anxious Attachment
Those with an anxious attachment style often crave closeness and validation, fearing abandonment. This can lead to codependent behaviors, where they rely heavily on their partner for emotional security and self-worth. They may struggle with feelings of inadequacy and seek constant reassurance. If both partners are anxious, it's a recipe for a seriously codependent bond. When this attachment style gets activated, people become desperate and get quite creative in trying to bridge the perceived gap between them and their partner.
Avoidant Attachment
It's rare to see an avoidantly attached person in a codependent relationship. People with an avoidant attachment style value independence and may feel uncomfortable with too much closeness. Their need for independence and space makes them uncomfortable with enmeshment. They often suppress their emotions and keep partners at a distance to maintain their autonomy, potentially leading to emotional disconnect. While codependence isn't good, neither is too much distance. Ultimately, for a satisfying relationship, partners should aim for a healthy middle of interdependence.
Disorganized Attachment
People with a disorganized attachment style display a mix of anxious and avoidant behaviors, resulting in unpredictable and often chaotic relationship patterns. They may oscillate between seeking intimacy and pushing partners away, complicating their path to interdependence. This can lead to codependence and volatility. This is a result of early attachment trauma. As with avoidant and anxious attachment, it can be healed over time.
How To Be Less Codependent With Your Partner
Transitioning from codependence to interdependence involves several key steps. It also requires buy-in from both partners. Understanding your attachment style can guide your approach. It's important to communicate with your partner and make a plan for how to deal with anxiety as you both move toward independence.
1. Self-Awareness and Reflection
Identify Codependent Patterns. Recognize behaviors that indicate codependence, such as needing constant reassurance, neglecting your own needs, or feeling responsible for your partner’s happiness.
Understand Your Attachment Style. Reflect on your attachment history and how it influences your relationship behaviors. Awareness is the first step toward change.
Identify Real And Perceived Threats To Your Relationship. Often codependent relationships have an exaggerated sense of what is a threat to the relationship. Some of the most codependent relationships believe that any disagreement, difference in taste, or time apart is a sign of doom. While partners may logically understand this isn't true, they still feel it emotionally. Take a personal inventory of what is are real versus imaginary threats to your relationship.
Check out a CoDA Meeting. Codependents Anonymous is a 12-step program designed to help people experiencing the effects of codependence. It can be really helpful to have a community of people going through the same thing you’re experiencing.
2. Get Buy-In From Your Partner
Talk To Your Partner. If you try to become less codependent without talking to your partner, it won’t go well. They will feel like you're pulling away from them and not understand why. That will activate their attachment system and they'll start getting anxious and making more bids for your attention. Remember, the goal is not to pull away from them, but to be more connected to yourself. They won't understand that if you don't talk to them.
Express Needs and Boundaries. Communicate your needs and boundaries clearly and respectfully. Healthy communication fosters mutual understanding and respect. Try this: "I've been noticing that we've been spending every single night together. I love spending time together, but I feel like I'm losing my connection to myself and my own interests and friendships. Can we find a way for us to get plenty of time together and also have time for ourselves?"
Share The Benefits of Interdependence. If your partner only thinks you're trying to pull away, they won't want to support your efforts. If you explain that this is for the health of the relationship and for both of your personal happiness, they're more likely to be on board. Over time, both of you will feel less anxious and more satisfied. Hopefully hearing that, they'll be willing to try.
Create Structure And A Plan. If you don't have a plan for how you'll do this, it will be too easy to slip into old habits. Try blocking off some nights a week where both of you will do your own thing. This could be a hobby, socializing, or simply exploring your own tastes again. Two nights a week to yourself is a great balance for cohabitating couples. For couples not yet living together, come up with a balance that feels good to both of you.
Make A Plan For How To Handle Anxious Feelings. When a relationship dynamic changes, anxious feelings are bound to come up. Rather than trying to avoid anxiety altogether, plan for how to address it
Schedule Check-Ins. We recommend every 2 weeks to start. Talk about what's going well and how each of you are feeling about it. Don’t let these conversations go on for more than 30 minutes.
Practice Active Listening. Listen to your partner’s needs and concerns without judgment or interruption. Remember that you may have activated your partner's attachment system without meaning to. If they're anxious or feel pushed away, give them reassurance that this is not you pulling away from them, only recentering some of your attention on yourself. Remind them they'll get to reconnect to themselves too. If they love 80s metal and you don't, they can blast it on the nights you spend doing your own thing.
Encourage Mutual Support. Support each other’s goals and aspirations while maintaining your own. If your partner decides to train for a 5k during their "me time," you should be cheering them on when they finally run it. If you decide to try to make new friends in a new city, your partner should be supportive of this. Mutual support strengthens the partnership without compromising personal identities.
3. Commit To Your Personal Growth
Build Self-Esteem. During those scheduled nights to yourself, engage in activities that boost your sense of self. This is different for everyone and might take time to figure out. Experiment with different things. Is it a tap dancing class? Language program? Book club? Volunteer project? Try a little bit of everything if you're not sure where to start.
Identify Supportive Individual Friendships. One thing we hear often from enmeshed couples is that they share all the same friends. This isn't normal or healthy. You deserve to have friends that are primarily yours. Supportive solo friendships make your romantic partnership stronger and healthier. Note that people your partner sees as a threat are not good candidates for these friendships. If your partner sees all friends as a threat, consider seeking couples therapy.
Cultivate Personal Interests. Pursue hobbies, goals, and friendships outside of the relationship. Maintaining individual interests helps prevent over-reliance on your partner. You're allowed to be interesting and interested in things your partner doesn't enjoy. So long as it doesn't negatively affect them, proceed.
Have A Plan For Discouragement and Anxiety. In this process, you're bound to have moments of uncertainty. Remember, rewiring your attachment system is hard. Sometimes finding your sense of self is hard. It might feel easier to go back to spending every minute with your partner. But don't slide back. Discomfort is a sign it's probably working.
Identify Things You Like Your Partner Doesn't Enjoy. This could be food, music, exercise, or anything else. Often enmeshed couples lose a sense of personal taste in favor of shared likes. You enjoying spicy cuisine when your partner doesn't isn't a threat to your relationship. You should be able to eat foods you like no matter their tastes. Pass the sriracha!
How To Know If It's Working
At first, healing from codependence is very uncomfortable. It won’t feel good right away. But over time, here are some signs your efforts to be less codependent are working:
Though you sometimes feel anxious about the relationship, you feel more relaxed in general
You've reconnected with parts of yourself you enjoyed before you met your partner
You feel less upset when you and your partner disagree about small or medium things
You don't feel that other people are a threat to your relationship
You're not avoiding conflict at all costs
You enjoy time with your partner more than before
You enjoy time with others and alone more than you used to
What To Do If You Run Into Problems Moving From Codependence To Interdependence
Our attachment systems aren't easily re-wired. It's okay if you're not perfect as you start to move toward interdependence. But if you notice a big increase in conflict or anxiety, it may be helpful to work with a couples therapist. In particular, working with a couples therapist who is knowledgable about attachment styles and uses an evidence-based treatment is your best bet.
The Role of Gottman Method Couples Therapy
Gottman Method Couples Therapy, developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, offers evidence-based techniques to enhance relationship satisfaction. This approach can be particularly beneficial for couples transitioning from codependence to interdependence.
Key Components of Gottman Method Couples Therapy
Building Love Maps. Partners enhance their understanding of each other’s inner world, fostering deeper emotional connection and empathy.
Nurturing Fondness and Admiration. Couples are encouraged to express appreciation and respect, reinforcing positive feelings and mutual respect.
Turning Toward Each Other. Partners learn to respond to each other’s bids for connection, strengthening emotional bonds.
Managing Conflict. Gottman Method couples therapy provides tools to manage conflict, promoting healthy communication and problem-solving. Many enmeshed couples fear and avoid conflict, which is also not good for the relationship. Healthy conflict is natural and helps strengthen the relationship.
Creating Shared Meaning. Couples work on building a shared sense of purpose and values, enhancing the overall relationship dynamic.
Couples Therapy In Los Angeles & San Francisco To Be Less Codependent
Transitioning from codependence to interdependence requires self-awareness, communication, and a commitment to personal growth. Understanding your attachment style and its impact on your relationship can guide this process.
If you’re seeking to enhance your relationship, consider scheduling a free consultation. We can provide the guidance and support needed to move from codependence to a healthy, interdependent partnership. Take the first step toward a stronger, more balanced relationship today.
