Barbie, Ken, and the Art of Setting Boundaries
In the 2023 Barbie film directed by Greta Gerwig, there lies a profound lesson in setting boundaries. Yes, you read that right. Barbie can teach us a thing or two about asking asserting our needs. Barbie sets boundaries with Ken with conviction, compassion, and without guilt. So, grab your imaginary popcorn, and let's dive into the world of Barbie, Ken, and the art of setting boundaries.
Spoilers for the 2023 Barbie film below.
The Barbie Universe
In Barbie World, fashion reigns supreme, and dream houses are more than just dwellings—they're statements. In Barbie World, women hold all major offices and make all decisions. It's an intentional opposite from our real world, where men hold most positions of power. This allows for fascinating exploration of gender and power. But even when gender power dynamics are switched, there still lies a narrative that mirrors our own struggles with boundaries.
Types Of Boundaries Barbie Sets
We've got lots to say about boundaries, but for the sake of brevity, Barbie sets multiple boundaries throughout the movie. She mostly sets them with Ken. These boundaries include:
Physical boundaries - regarding how close she allows people to be to her
Sexual and romantic boundaries - regarding who she allows to touch her
Time boundaries - regarding how much time she spends with people
Emotional and intellectual boundaries - regarding who she will do emotional labor for
The Ken Conundrum: Setting Boundaries With Someone You Aren't Interested In Romantically
Ken plays an important role in Barbie's life, but not as a love interest. Though the toy was originally created to be a love interest, in popular culture he was never more than an accessory. In the Barbie film, he is positioned as an emotional and whiny nuisance in Barbie's life. She is clear and consistent throughout the film that she is not interested in him romantically. Yet he doggedly pursues her. When she upholds her boundaries, he gets more creative and manipulative in trying to skirt them. This mirrors many women's experiences with men who do not respect their boundaries. There's also a lesson in how we can be better in setting those boundaries.
Barbie's Boundaries With Ken: A Case Study
Ken wants to spend every waking moment with Barbie. His attachment to her is codependent. As we glean from the voiceover narration, "Barbie has a good day every day. But Ken only has a good day when Barbie looks at him." His insecurity and single-mindedness about getting Barbie's attention leads him to competitive and hostile relationships with everyone else in the Barbie universe. It also wreaks havoc on his self-esteem. But all his efforts are pointless; no matter what he does, Barbie is not interested. And that's okay! She does not owe him anything.
Barbie consistently communicates her need for personal space to Ken. She does not send any mixed messages or confuse him. She does so without the unnecessary baggage of guilt or apology.
When Ken keeps leaning in for a kiss, she holds her ground and says, "You can go now." She's not mean or critical. She is direct and clear.
When Ken persists and suggests a sleepover, she says, "I don't want you here."
Her statements are direct, bordering on blunt. While this might be harsh for an initial setting of a boundary, we can assume this is a boundary she has had to set every night since Ken's creation. When a person repeatedly ignores your boundary, you can be progressively more direct and forceful.
Once Ken learns about the patriarchy and returns from the Real World to Barbie Land, he starts demanding things from Barbie. Barbie maintains her boundaries. Statements such as, "Don't call me baby," and "I will not brewski beer you," communicate what treatment she won't tolerate from Ken. And to some degree, he does listen. But Barbie never addresses the underlying problem.
How Barbie Could Improve Her Boundaries With Ken
While Barbie is a great situational communicator, she fails to tell Ken her overarching boundary: she does not want a relationship. This is why he keeps trying. If she were to set that boundary with him, he might stop pestering her. Even if he didn't stop, there would be total clarity on her stance.
Here are things Barbie could have said to be clearer about her boundaries with Ken:
"I am not interested in having a sleepover with you tonight or any other night. Please stop asking."
"Ken, I am not interested in dating. Please stop pursuing me."
She does eventually communicate this to him at the end of the movie. But if she'd done so sooner, she could have saved both of them a lot of suffering and confusion.
When Barbie's Boundaries Falter
There are some instances in the film where Barbie's boundaries aren't upheld. Most notably, when he stows away in her car to go with her to the Real World. She initially tells him he can't come:
"No, please get out [of the car.]"
But he begs her. Worn down, and perhaps anxious about going to the Real World alone, she agrees to let him go with her, but only if he stays in the back seat. While she did allow him to negotiate with her, she maintained her physical boundary with him.
Once they arrive in the Real World, Barbie is so disoriented and confused, it becomes difficult for her to set and maintain boundaries with Ken. But she never compromises on her physical boundaries. She asks for time and space to think and problem solve.
Ken's Lack of Boundaries and Codependence On Barbie
Toward the end of the film, the depth of Ken's codependence on Barbie becomes clear. While he never outright violates her boundaries, he keeps pursuing her. Eventually, he becomes tormented. He lashes out at Barbie. In a moment of sadness, he says, "I always thought [the Barbie Dreamhouse] would be our house.
This is the moment Barbie realizes that she needs to communicate her overall boundary. She lets him know that they are not going to be a couple.
He sobs,
"I don't know who I am without you... I only exist in the warmth of your gaze. Without it, I'm just another blonde guy who can't do flips."
She encourages him to discover who he is and stop looking to her for fulfillment. She understands that external forms of identity are common with co-dependence.
“Maybe it’s time to discover who Ken is… No, no, [I’m] not the answer… You’re not your girlfriend, you’re not your house, you’re not your mink. You’re not even beach.”
Luckily, he hears and respects it, even though it upsets him. He realizes that he needs to stop relying on external forms of identity. He commits to self-care and self improvement and stops bothering her. He starts working toward believing he is Kenough.
The Power of Barbie's 'No' Without Guilt
One of the most common reason people don't set boundaries is because they don't want to feel guilty for disappointing someone. Barbie's magic lies in her ability to say 'no' without a hint of guilt. When Ken invades her personal space, asks for romantic gestures, or treats her poorly, Barbie stands her ground. She teaches us that saying 'no' is an affirmation of self-respect. She understands that Ken is not her responsibility. This is refreshing, since many women are conditioned to feel responsible for others.
If you struggle with setting boundaries because of guilt, work toward tolerating the guilt. Though it is uncomfortable, it's often more comfortable than doing thing we don't want to do because we haven't set a boundary.
Reinforcing Boundaries The Barbie Way
Boundaries, once set, require reinforcement. Barbie doesn't just establish limits; she ensures they remain intact. Ken may repeatedly test the waters, attempting to sway her. But Barbie reaffirms her boundaries with kindness and conviction. Eventually, when she has stated her boundary many times, he does listen. This is true in the real world too. We often have to maintain and reassert our boundaries a few times before they are honored.
The lesson here is clear: setting boundaries is an ongoing process. Consistency and communication are key components in ensuring that our needs are acknowledged and respected.
Applying Barbie's Wisdom to Real Life
Life, much like a Barbie storyline, isn't always black and white. There are times where boundaries blur, and emotions run high. Barbie approaches these situations with grace and empathy, and not at the expense of her well-being.
As we look at fictional boundary-setting, it's time to bring these lessons into our own lives. Setting boundaries is an act of self-love. It's about honoring our needs, communicating effectively, and not sacrificing ourselves for others.
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Schedule a free consultation today. Let's navigate the complexities of your personal Dreamhouse together. Because just like Barbie, you deserve relationships that sparkle with respect, understanding, and, most importantly, healthy boundaries.
