13 Ways To Support Your Anxious Partner
It's hard when your partner is going through something you can't fix. Anxiety can be a challenging experience, not just for the person going through it but also for their partner. If your loved one is dealing with anxiety, it's hard to know where to start. Let's explore practical strategies for being there for your partner.
Understanding Your Anxious Partner
To support your partner, you need a basic understanding of anxiety. The first and most important thing to know is that they can't control their anxiety. Once you get that, you'll be much better at supporting them. If you think they're doing this on purpose or trying to be difficult, you'll invalidate their experience and make things worse. Imagine having a headache and being told you're causing your own discomfort. That sucks, right? Anxiety is the same. Start with compassion and go from there.
Different Experiences of Anxiety
Anxiety can manifest in various ways, such as excessive worry, panic attacks, or specific phobias. Some people experience physical symptoms, such as stomach pain or shakiness. It can be triggered by a range of factors, from daily stressors to traumatic experiences. Some people are organically wired to be more anxious. Your partner's anxiety might not always make sense to you, but it's critical to acknowledge their feelings and validate their experiences.
How You Can Support Your Partner Struggling With Anxiety
1. Educate Yourself About Your Partner's Anxiety
Learn as much as you can about anxiety and its various forms. This will help you understand what your partner is going through and enable you to provide better support. Because anxiety looks different on everybody, learn about their experience. Are they most anxious in the mornings? In social situations? When they're driving or taking transit? Be curious and warm about what's going on. If they believe you genuinely want to understand, it will go a long way in calming them. If they're attending therapy for anxiety, be fully supportive.
2. Always Lead With Compassion And Empathy
When anxiety limits what you and your partner can do, it makes sense to feel frustrated. But your frustration could make things worse by putting pressure on them to "fix" themselves. They're not broken; they are managing a difficult experience they have little control over. Encourage your partner to express their feelings and concerns, and listen without judgment. Ask questions to understand their perspective better. If you feel yourself getting frustrated, remove yourself and come back to the conversation when you've calmed down.
3. Respect Your Partner's Boundaries
Respect your partner's boundaries, especially when they're feeling overwhelmed. Let them know it's okay to take a step back when needed. Reassure them that you'll be there when they're ready to talk or seek support. Their boundaries are not about pushing you away. They are trying to manage as best they can.
4. Don't Try To Fix Your Partner's Anxiety
We get it; when someone you love is suffering, it makes total sense to want to fix it. But anxiety can't be fixed quickly. It certainly can't be fixed by a partner, though a partner can help reduce it by being supportive. If your partner could fix their own anxiety, they would have done it.
It's okay to encourage your partner to care for themselves. Support your partner in their self-care routines. Exercise, a balanced diet, and proper sleep, which can significantly impact anxiety levels. But don't get preachy or assume these alone will fix anxiety. Most of the time, they're not enough.
5. Make Suggestions For Lowering Anxiety Gently And Humbly
If you notice certain behaviors make your partner's anxiety worse, you can speak up with true love and concern. You might try saying, "Hey, I notice you have a hard time sleeping when we watch the news before bed. Could we try watching something else and see if it helps?" Or, "Caffeine seems to really kick your anxiety up a notch. I love coffee too, and don't want to take it away from you. Would you like to try decaf of half-caf and see if it helps?"
It's important not to try to take control of these situations. Anxiety is already making your partner feel out of control. If they insist on continuing with behaviors that make their anxiety worse, you can voice disapproval of the behavior, not of them. Which leads us to...
7. Avoid Making Assumptions About Your Partner's Anxiety
Don't assume that you know what's best for your partner. It's a bad look. Avoid telling them to "just relax" or "get over it." These statements are dismissive and unhelpful. Even if they won't do something you think will help, it's not your job to decide what's right for them. Unless you are their parent - which you aren't - you don't get to make decisions for them. Don't infantilize them. If they ask you to make a decision for them, that's different.
8. Be Patient With Your Anxious Partner
Anxiety can be unpredictable, and your partner may experience good days and bad days. Be patient and understanding, even if you don't always know how to help. Your presence and support are often enough. If you struggle with frustration or anger about the limitations of anxiety, process those away from your partner.
9. Celebrate Every Victory
Without engaging in toxic positivity, help your partner focus on their wins. Encourage them to celebrate small victories and remind them of their strengths and accomplishments. Did they give a presentation at work even though they're terrified of public speaking? High fives and a special dessert to celebrate. Did they drive farther than they're comfortable driving? A big hug and congratulations from you. Did they attend a social gathering and talk to people they didn't know despite social anxiety? Affirm their effort and let them know you see how hard they're working to tame their anxiety.
10. Be Cautious About Giving Constant Reassurance
Everyone needs reassurance sometimes. It's part of being in a relationship. But sometimes anxiety looks like needing constant reassurance from someone else. While reassurance can be helpful in the short term, in the long term it makes anxiety worse. If your partner needs tons of reassurance, it might be time to explore couples therapy to stop the anxiety-reassurance cycle. There are also types of OCD that involve constantly seeking reassurance from your partner. This can look like anxiety, but the internal experience is different.
11. Support Seeking Therapy For Anxiety
If your partner is considering anxiety therapy, be supportive. Offer to help with research, finding a therapist, and attending sessions if they wish. This can help you gain insights into their treatment and learn how to be more supportive.
12. Participate in Couples Therapy For Anxiety
Consider couples therapy as a way to strengthen your relationship and provide a supportive environment for both you and your partner to address their anxiety. A skilled therapist can offer guidance and strategies for managing anxiety as a couple.
13. Take Care of Yourself
Supporting a partner with anxiety can be emotionally taxing. Make sure you also prioritize self-care and seek your own support network, such as friends, family, or individual therapy.
Hope For People With Anxious Partners
Supporting your partner with anxiety is a journey that may have its ups and downs. By staying informed, offering empathy, and seeking professional help, you can be a pillar of support in their journey towards managing anxiety and building a healthier relationship. Your support can make a significant difference in their progress and overall well-being.
Therapy For Anxiety In Los Angeles, San Francisco & Beyond
Ready to explore therapy for anxiety to support both you and your partner? Our experienced therapists offer compassionate couples therapy tailored to address anxiety and strengthen your relationship. Whether you're seeking individual or couples therapy, we're here to provide guidance and support every step of the way. Contact us to learn more.
