Sex After Sexual Trauma: How To Be A Good Lover To A Survivor

When and how to approach sex with someone who has sexual trauma can be tricky business. As a trusted person in a survivor's life, you're in a unique position to have a powerful impact on their healing. Every experience is different, and no amount of research or good intention can replace healthy communication with your partner. Here's what you should know about how to be a great partner, spouse, lover, or friend-with-benefits to someone who has been sexually assaulted or raped.

Be Highly Aware of Power and Control

Sexual assault is not about sex: it's all about having power taken away. In every interaction with your partner, be aware of how power and control are showing up. Do everything to restore their sense of power and control. Certain acts, positions, role plays, or sensations may be triggering. Communicate before, during, and after sex to get information about their experience and learn what they like and don't like.

Be Aware of How People Respond Differently To Sexual Assault

In this article, we outline how some people respond to trauma by shutting down, while others become more expressive and risk-taking. Both are normal! If this is happening in your relationship, understand it’s not about you.

Communication About Sex Is Critical After Sexual Trauma

As couples therapists, we think most couples don't talk about sex enough. If you've never been comfortable having direct, honest, and loving conversations about sex, now is the time to get comfortable. Talk about what your partner wants, what they like, what they're ready for, what they wish they were ready for. Ask about boundaries and fantasies. Talk about consent, safe words, and areas on their body they like to receive attention or want you to avoid. Ask if there are particular positions or acts that feel better or worse for them. There are many books on communicating about sex. Check out a few and see what's helpful. Remember to make sure your partner feels in control. 

Broaden Your Mindset About Sex

In our culture, we often have a narrow view of sex. For straight couples, the default is vaginal intercourse. For LGBT couples, there is more variety, but still some narrowness in our ideas about what "real" sex is.

The ways humans can experience pleasure are vast. We may not even know all the things that feel good to us because we haven't tried. Now is the time to get curious about what some of those things might be.

Get Curious And Creative About Sex

It's possible your partner is not able or ready to have sex in the same way you did before. If the assault occurred before your relationship, you might never have had sex the way you are used to. Try to expand your view of what a healthy and satisfying sex life might look like for you and your partner. Once you get rid of the mental constraints about what sex looks like, you have more options. For some people, oral sex is more pleasurable than intercourse. Maybe new positions, power dynamics, or accessories will elevate your experience. Be open to new things and curious about your partner's experience. Remember, make sure they always feel in control.

Build Back Up To Sexual Intimacy Together

Sex is not a one-step process or single act. If your partner is struggling with sexual intimacy after an assault, try introducing some of the elements of sex without the expectation it will lead to specific acts they find difficult. When they are ready, helping your partner adjust to and feel safe with sexual touch can be healing. You should have multiple conversations about what you're going to try first. Ask about their boundaries, anxieties, and concerns. Truly listen and don't argue or negotiate.

Consider Sensate Focus

You might consider reading about Sensate Focus together. Sensate focus is a research-backed approach to addressing multiple sexual concerns, including sexual trauma. It is a four-phase approach to exploring sexual pleasure and rewiring old scripts about sex. Both partners agree to the terms and goals ahead of time. The overarching goal is to stay mentally and emotionally present while being physically intimate and getting curious about what feels good.

Phase one focuses on non-sexual intentional touch, such as massage, stroking, and cuddling. Phase two includes some sexual touch as tolerated while avoiding climax or intercourse. Phase three involves exploring sensory play as a way or connecting to what each person finds pleasurable. And phase four involves sexual touching with climax or intercourse being welcome—but not the goal.

Do not force your partner to try sensate focus before they are ready. If you try sensate focus and your partner needs to stop, always respect their wishes. Make sure they feel in control. This gives you both the best chance of having a good time.

Don't Assume They Need To Be Handled With Care

While it's true that many survivors need to be touched and treated with gentleness, not all survivors do. Some might want to engage in rougher play or more vigorous sex acts. If they tell you that, believe them. It might be frustrating or upsetting for them to be treated as fragile if they don't feel that way. While you should always check in with your partner before, during, and after sex, you should believe your partner unless there is reason not to. 

Don't Forget About Real Intimacy

It's important not to view sex as the only way to be close to your partner. Sex can be a wonderful part of a relationship, but it is never a replacement for emotional intimacy. Sharing your hopes and fears, making each other laugh, and supporting each other during hard times are more important for the longevity of your partnership. If you focuse solely on sex, your partner will feel lonely, misunderstood, and objectified.

Couples Therapy After Sexual Assault

If you're struggling with how to support a partner who has been sexually assaulted, you deserve support. This crime affected both of you, and few people can heal alone. For your benefit and your partner's, consider therapy to support each of you in this difficult time. Our expert couples therapists are ready to help. Reach out for a free consultation today.

Please note we are not a crisis center and cannot respond to urgent requests. If you or someone you love needs immediate support after a sexual assault, contact RAINN.org