How To Support A Partner Who Has Sexual Trauma
Sexual trauma affects a high number of people. As many as one in three women and one in four men will be assaulted, raped, or sexually abused in their lifetime. The stats for LGBT folks are even higher. So what do you do when your partner has been the victim of sexual assault or rape and you want to support them? What if you still want to have a great sex life together? We'll walk you through the most common responses to sexual assault and how to be a supportive, loving partner.
Rebuilding Trust and Sense of Personal Power After Sexual Trauma
Sexual assault is never about sex. It is always about power and control. Understanding this is the most important part of supporting your partner through their healing. At every opportunity, give them control and choice. This includes non-sexual parts of their life as well as sex. They should be in complete control over what they do with their body and what they put in it. They should be in complete control over whether or not they report the assault and when. And they should be in complete control over how they respond and heal.
The Immediate Aftermath of A Sexual Trauma: What To Know
If your partner has been assaulted very recently, your response is critically important. No matter what, always believe the person telling you they were assaulted. There is no benefit to questioning or doubting someone's story. People very rarely make up assaults. In fact, only 2% of sexual assaults reported to the police are false, yet most people who report are accused of making it up.
The Ideal Partner Response: Information, Choice, and Control
The immediate aftermath of as assault is a critical time. After telling your partner you believe them, give them information, choice, and control. Remember, assaults rob people of their autonomy. Don't replicate that experience in the aftermath. Give your partner the information below and let them make their own choices about how they want to proceed. This cannot be stressed enough. Never force someone to get a medical exam, report a sexual crime, or do anything they don't want to do. You may strongly disagree with them, but you cannot take away their control. The only time it's okay to compromise someone's autonomy is if they are a danger to themselves or others.
When To Get A Medical Exam After A Sexual Assault
If the nature of the assault is such that there might be physical evidence, there are time-sensitive decisions to be made. Remember, only the survivor can make this choice for themselves. The information below is provided so you can help them make an informed choice.
Most hospitals after post-assault medical exams, sometimes called rape kits. The sooner after the assault, the better for collecting evidence. Generally, the first 72 hours are the window for an exam, but the first 24 are best. Even if a survivor does not want to report it, getting an exam is a good idea. There may be physical damage or the potential for early protection against infection or pregnancy. But again, never force a survivor to do something they don't want to do.
Post-assault medical exams are done by a trained Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner (SANE) and/or a Sexual Assault Response Team (SART.) These professionals are trained to administer these exams in a way that helps the survivor feel as in control as possible. They are done in a private room and the SANE verbally communicates everything that is happening or about to happen. Still, these exams can be uncomfortable, vulnerable, and emotionally challenging. Many survivors feel triggered and out of control. Having to relive a terrible experience like that is upsetting. Many people forgo exams for this reason.
You may feel strongly about the importance of your partner getting an exam. It's okay to communicate how you feel. But you should never force your partner to get an exam.
If Someone Gets A Rape Kit or Sexual Assault Medical Exam, Do They Have To Make a Police Report?
Most of the time, a police officer is part of the Sexual Assault Response Team and asks for a statement or report. This policy varies from state to state and hospital to hospital. But the bottom line is the survivor does not have to give a report if they do not want to. They may feel pressured to do so. Some police officers may even insist they have to. Your partner might need to be very firm in their resolve to not make a report if that’s not something they want to do.
The Importance Of Language After Sexual Trauma
The words we use to describe our experiences are important. This is especially true with sexual assault. It's important to mirror you partner's language when talking about what happened. If they don't use the word rape, don't try to force that word into the conversation. It has a lot of baggage and shock factor that many people don't want to associate with. You may think you're validating their experience, but it's most often upsetting. It's okay to ask what words they want to use. In fact, we recommend it.
What Are Normal Responses To Sexual Trauma?
All survivors of sexual trauma respond differently to the experience. Some show immediate resilience, while others take time to process their trauma. Some people react by shutting down their sexual expression, while others become more adventurous and risk-taking. All of these responses are normal. If you see a shift in your partner's behavior, it's not a cause for immediate concern.
Lack of Desire After Sexual Trauma (Hyposexuality)
It makes sense that some people don't want to have sex after sexual assault. It's hard to experience some of the physical sensations and vulnerability they may have felt during their assault. What was once pleasurable is now tarnished by a terrible experience.
You might think, "But I'm not that person! I only every touch my partner with love and desire!" And that is probably true. But trauma reactions don't respond to logic. Your insistence that you're different than your partner's abuser does not help. They already know that. If you get impatient with them, they are likely to further shut down.
Increased Sex Drive After Sexual Trauma (Hypersexuality)
Hypersexuality after rape or assault also makes a lot of sense if you understand why it's happening. For people who had their power taken away around sex, they may try to reclaim it by becoming hypersexual. They may become adventurous or take more risks. This might feel unsettling to you, but it's normal. So long as your partner's increased desire and experimentation honor the agreements around exclusivity or ENM you've agreed upon, you should allow your partner the freedom of expression. Be careful about any moral judgments masked as well-meaning concern.
How Do I Deal With The Change In Our Sex Life After Sexual Trauma?
It's important to remember that both of you are affected by this crime. Your partner had their autonomy and agency taken away. You might have had your sex life impacted and feel concerned or disconnected from your partner. It's normal to grieve the loss of those things. Both of you might be sad, angry, confused, or feel alone. It’s important to be patient, creative, and communicative when addressing changes in your sex life.
For more, see this article: Sex After Sexual Assault: How To Be A Good Partner To A Survivor
Healing From Sexual Trauma: Sexual Trauma Therapy, Couples Therapy, and Support For Partners Dealing With Sexual Trauma In California and Florida
If you or your partner have experienced a sexual trauma and it's impacting your relationship, you're not alone. It can be challenging to address the effects of trauma in a partnership. If you want support and guidance for healing and restoring trust and intimacy, reach out for a free consultation today.
