What To Do If Your Therapist Talks About Themselves A Lot

Having a therapist that talks about themselves can be confusing. For some it's uncomfortable, for others helpful. Therapy should be your time and space to explore what's going on with you. Here's information to help you figure out what amount of sharing is helpful to you, and when it's cause for concern.

How Much Should My Therapist Talk About Themselves?

There are a few schools of thought around how much therapists should share with their clients. Here's an intro to each approach for you to consider when deciding how you feel about your therapist sharing.

Traditional Thoughts On Therapist Self-Disclosure

Old-school or traditional therapists shared very little. They attempted to be a blank slate that clients could project whatever they needed onto. Some didn't even disclose their marital status or if they had children. They wanted therapy to be like a lab, where the only variable was the client. But it's impossible for therapy to truly be like a lab. Therapists get sick, have family emergencies, and their own reactions to certain issues. Avoiding disclosure at all costs can impede growth through a healthy therapeutic relationship.

Shared Experiences and Self-Disclosure in Therapy

In the last few decades, attitudes about therapist self-disclosure have shifted. Therapists and scholars have begun to recognize that some thoughtful sharing from the therapist can be helpful to the client. It can help build a solid relationship, which is the foundation of all good therapy. A therapist sharing briefly and thoughtfully that they also experienced something difficult or traumatic can go a long way in building trust. It can offer hope for recovery and resilience and decrease feelings of isolation.

Shared Identity and Self Disclosure in Therapy

The quality of relationship between therapist and client is the single biggest predictor of therapy success. It makes sense to want to know if your therapist shares certain elements of your identity. Is your therapist also a lesbian? Does he share the same faith? Is he also adopted? Is she from the same culture? More and more therapists are disclosing important parts of their identity so they can have better relationships with clients.

Feminist Therapy And Self Disclosure

Feminist therapy, which considers the broader content of a person's experience, encourages the therapist to share with the client as a way of establishing a good working relationship. Your therapist may share general details of their life, or thoughts on particular issues. It should feel like a meeting of equals. Still, the focus should be mostly on you and the issues that brought you to therapy.

Teletherapy And Self-Disclosure

With COVID-19 and the shift to virtual therapy or teletherapy, therapists discovered that more sharing was necessary to start building a strong relationship with clients. Clients often encouraged it, asking more intro questions such as "How are you?" that weren’t previously asked in person. And it's okay for a therapist to give a brief, truthful answer. This sharing should not occupy large amounts of time or reveal specific traumas or hardships.

Is It Okay To Ask My Therapist About Themselves?

It's totally normal to be curious about your therapist's life. You might wonder if it's okay to ask your therapist questions. Each therapist will be different in their feelings and practices, but it's okay to ask. They will let you know where they stand. It might feel uncomfortable if they decline to answer, but try not to take it personally. They've probably thought long and hard about how much they want to share long before you started working together.

What To Do If Your Therapist Is Always Talking About Themselves

If the focus feels like it's shifting off you in therapy, that's not okay. If your therapist is talking about themselves too much, they should know how you feel. Imagine going to a doctor for a wound and the doctor rolling up her sleeve and showing you her own wound. That would be unhelpful and unprofessional. It's the same in therapy.

Tell Your Therapist How You Feel

Because every person is different and therapists still can't read minds, communicate your thoughts. Try to be specific. If you say, "When I was sharing my story and you told me yours, I felt like the session stopped being about me." It could be that your therapist was trying to support you by sharing their story but it just didn't land right. A good therapist will thank you for the feedback and adjust their behavior. A questionable therapist will get defensive or dismiss your feelings.

Ask Your Therapist To Stop Talking About Themselves

If you've expressed your feelings and they continue to talk about themselves, be more assertive. Try saying, "When you share about yourself, it's harder for me to engage in therapy. I'd like you to stop sharing information about yourself so I can focus on what we're working on."

Find A New Therapist

If you ask them to stop and they don't, stop working with them. You deserve to feel seen, heard, and understood by the person you trust with your mental health care. We know that finding a good therapist can be challenging. Don't give up.

What If My Therapist Sharing Actually Helps Me?

That's a good thing! General thoughts on how much your therapist should share outlined a single criteria: is sharing likely to help the client feel seen, heard, and understood? If so, sharing is encouraged, so long as it is done in a way that focuses on the client.

For example, a client dealing with a persistent illness may wonder if her therapist truly "gets it." A therapist disclosing a history of illness and sharing a brief story of recovery and resilience might give meaningful hope to a client. A therapist sharing that they also went through a difficult divorce, without going into detail, might help a client feel supported. And a therapist who has a shared identity, such as being part of the LGBT community, might mindfully share their experience as a way of establishing rapport.

Collaborative Teletherapy For Adults, Couples, and Teenagers in California and Florida

If you're ready to start building a relationship with someone who considers carefully how much they should share and what to keep private, reach out for a free consultation today. We keep the focus on you while building a strong and healthy relationship for therapy.