What To Do When Someone Sets a Harsh Boundary With You

​So someone just set a harsh boundary with you. Ouch! That stings. Maybe you feel embarrassed, angry, devastated, or confused. That’s normal when something happens that makes you feel rejected, pushed away, or otherwise self-conscious. Here are some tips from therapists to help you get through:

Steps To Respond To An Unreasonable Boundary

1. Allow Yourself To Have A Reaction Without Taking Action

When someone sets a harsh boundary with you, it’s normal to react. It's not possible to prevent yourself from experiencing an emotion, particularly when someone you care about behaves unexpectedly and in a way that feels like rejection. However, it is important that you don't take immediate action based on your emotion. Often reactivity leads to saying or doing things that we later regret and can further damage the relationship. Allow yourself space to feel your emotion away from the other person. Sometimes even stopping yourself for 5 minutes can prevent further rupture. Don’t call them back right away or start sending a string of texts. It won't go well.  

2. Let Yourself Grieve

The relationships where boundaries hurt the most are the ones that are most important to us. It's OK to feel sad about someone asking for distance or even cutting you off. Sometimes we react in anger even though what we're actually feeling is sadness. Grieving the loss of closeness is normal and a necessary step after someone sets a boundary with you. While the boundary may not be permanent, it’s still a loss and a rejection. And rejection stings.

3. Don’t Overstep It

When we are in a state of emotional activation, it can be all too easy to overstep the very boundary that has just been set. We desperately want to re-establish connection and equilibrium, especially when a new boundary seems unreasonable. But for whatever reason, someone is asking for space and distance from you. Maybe it’s justified or it maybe it’s not. In this moment, try not to focus too much on who is right or wrong. If you overstep their boundary out of anger or sadness, they are more likely to push you farther away, and you may accidentally damage the relationship out of desperation to re-establish it. 

4. Practice Radical Self-Compassion and Self-Soothing

Rejection hurts so much. While it’s natural to focus on trying to figure out why this happened, your energy might best be spent focusing on caring for yourself while you’re hurting. Think of things that help you feel better, or at least help you feel calm. Some of our favorite ideas are going for a walk, being in nature, calling a friend or family member, watching a favorite movie, or moving your body in a way that feels good. Try to stay away from alcohol and other substances that alter your emotional state.

5. Consider The Impact of the Boundary

After you have taken some time to have your reaction and practice self-compassion—and ONLY after—consider if you believe the boundary is unreasonable. If you believe it is, then ask yourself if the boundary is harmful to anyone but the two of you. Then proceed to the next step.  

6. Try To See Things From Their Perspective

Here’s an extra difficult exercise: try to imagine what might have prompted them to set the boundary. It’s important to consider that the boundary may not be directly related to you, though it can certainly feel that way. But sometimes people set boundaries because of a combination of issues rather than just one. Perhaps they have a lot of stressors in their life right now. Perhaps you accidentally tapped on a particularly sensitive issue without knowing it. Perhaps they’re struggling with their personal stress level or mental health.

7. Acknowledge The Boundary

Demonstrate to the person who set it that you understand and intend to honor the boundary. This can be done briefly and MUST be done kindly. It might look like this:

“I understand you no longer wish to participate in our Friday night dinners. I’m sad to hear this but understand.”

“I hear you’re not willing to loan me your car anymore. Understood. Thank you for your generosity to this point.”

8. Negotiating The Boundary

This is not going to be appropriate in all cases. In fact, if at all possible, you shouldn’t try to negotiate someone’s boundaries. This usually makes them push you away more. It can also come across as manipulative when you don’t intend to be.

But if you believe the boundary is causing harm to people besides the two of you, consider how to approach the other person tactfully and calmly. This takes a great deal of skill and will likely involve "I" statements.  Try something like this: "I heard your request for ___ and I'm doing my best to honor it. I wanted to ask if you might reconsider your boundary for the sake of ____ (our dog, the kids, putting on a great work event, celebrating dad's birthday, etc.) Please take some time to think about it and let me know."

When Are Boundaries Not Okay?

Finally, a few caveats: boundaries should never be used as a way to avoid accountability or responsibility for a job, children, or other commitments. Setting boundaries should not be confused with emotional, verbal, financial, sexual, or physical abuse. If you believe you’re the victim of abuse, contact RAINN.org

Therapy To Help With Boundaries and Build Strong Relationships In California & Florida

If you’d like support in setting boundaries, responding to boundaries, and building healthy relationships, our therapists are here to support you through teletherapy. We can help you manage difficult situations with more ease and resilience. Book a consultation today.