What To Do If Your Couples Therapist Is Taking Your Partner's Side
Good couples therapy seeks to make sure everyone feels heard and understood. But not all couples therapists know when someone feels the therapy is unfair. Unfortunately, feeling like your couples therapy isn't balanced or fair happens too often. If you find yourself in a situation where couples therapy feels lopsided, here are some suggestions. Some may not apply to you more than others. Some may not apply at all. Use your understanding of your partner and your level of comfort with your couples therapist to determine how to proceed.
Ask Your Couples Therapist If You Can Revisit A Particular Conversation Where You Felt Misunderstood In Couples Therapy
Sometimes the most productive part of couples therapy is when you can revisit something painful or unpleasant and make a repair. In most cases, rupture presents an opportunity for repair. Through that repair, we experience deep relationship healing and feelings of connection. This can be done in big and small ways. In individual therapy, we can heal trauma from years ago. We might be able to express things we wish we'd expressed to a parent, partner, or friend. We do this in the best of relationships. You can use couples therapy as a way to practice making intentional repairs.
Revisit a particular discussion with a strategy in mind. You should only use I statements. Prepare ahead of time and maybe even practice so you can say what you mean. You deserve to be heard and understood. Sometimes we have to be really prepared and intentional with our communication to make sure that happens.
Tell Your Partner Your Concerns About Couples Therapy
The best couples therapists will give you the tools to eventually have hard conversations with your partner without the therapist present. If you feel like your partner would be open to it, tell them how you feel. They might even be open to advocating for your perspective in couples therapy. Come to the conversation with a spirit of collaborative problem solving. You and your partner are on the same team, and the opponent is feeling uncomfortable in couples therapy. As a team, see if you can come up with a plan to tackle the opponent. If you feel like your partner becomes the opponent, stop and revisit the conversation in couples therapy.
Tell Your Couples Therapist You Don't Feel Heard
Couples therapy is all about encouraging healthy communication, and that applies to your relationship with your couples therapist too. In your next session, say you'd like to talk about how therapy has been going recently. Using I statements, share what you're feeling. It would be helpful to have a few examples if you can. Try to stay away from generalizations and accusations toward your partner or your couples therapist.
You might try writing down your thoughts so you can stay calm. When you share how you feel, you have two goals: 1) to express your feelings, so that 2) all of you can focus on finding a solution. Your couples therapist should respond with compassion and concern for your experience. If they don't, that's a warning flag.
A good couples therapist is not a referee. They shouldn't be weighing in on who was right or wrong in a situation most of the time. Occasionally they might. But the best couples therapists are more interested in teasing out nuance and provoking empathy.
Consider If You Might Have a Trauma Or Sensitivity That Makes Couples Therapy Hard For You
We are all wounded by other people. Intentional or not, attachment wounds happen. For some people that have major or repeated relationship wounds, emotional regulation gets tough. This isn't your fault. It also makes couples therapy a minefield of uncomfortable or unmanageable feelings.
If you often feel overwhelmed by strong emotional reactions, consider individual or DBT therapy to help you regulate better. You might also want to process specific emotional traumas with a skilled individual therapist.
Couples therapy isn't likely to help with individual traumas. While your relationship can be a healing experience for you, it isn't your partner’s job to heal you. Expecting them to heal you sets both of you up for failure and disappointment.
Consider If Issues In Couples Therapy Should Be Addressed In Individual Therapy
Sometimes there's a clear problem that only one person can address. This might lead to that partner feeling like their couples therapist is picking on them. Examples of such issues might be a partner drinking too much or otherwise coping in unhealthy or unsafe ways. It might also be one partner's mental or physical health that puts strain on the relationship.
If you feel like your couples therapist is focusing a lot on something you're doing, it makes sense to feel uncomfortable. You might even get defensive. Check your defenses for a moment and consider if something you're doing or experiencing is actually having a significant impact on your relationship. If so, consider if you're ready to change. If yes, amazing! If not, that's going to be a roadblock in your progress in couples therapy.
If you feel like your partner needs to deal with something only they can address, you've likely brought it up with them before. You can bring it up again, but you need to try the most loving, compassionate approach you can think of. "I see how much you are suffering and it makes my heart hurt," or "I wish you didn't have to go through this. It must be so hard." You'll be more likely to get a response with empathy and love. Keep in mind that ultimatums don't work.
Consider If The Issues Bringing You To Couples Therapy Are Solvable
As much as we'd love to tell you that all problems in relationships are solvable, we'd be lying. In fact, the majority of problems couples face are considered unsolvable. So, wait - why bother going to couples therapy if most problems can't be solved?!? Because couples therapy isn't just about solving problems. Couples therapy is about strengthening your relationship, improving communication, decreasing conflict, and making you feel closer. Sometimes what's needed is to change our mindset and approach to unsolvable problems. If you're only interested in solving problems or making decisions, you'll miss out on most of the richness of couples therapy.
Check Your Expectations For Couples Therapy
Couples therapy can be incredible. We wouldn't offer it if we didn't think it was a powerful way to transform lives and families. But it's not magic. If you're expecting therapy to change your partner, stop right there. If you're expecting your couples therapist to tell your partner all the ways they're wrong, check yourself because it takes two to tango. If you're expecting to solve years of disagreements in a few couples therapy sessions, you're going to be disappointed. But if you're willing to put in some time, patience, and effort, you can experience incredible results.
Remember Couples Therapy Doesn't Feel As Cozy As Individual Therapy
It can be easy to mistake your couples therapist’s neutrality for negativity if you've previously had a great relationship with an individual therapist. Individual therapy usually feels warmer and more personal. Even if they challenge you and hold up a proverbial mirror to what's happening in your life, a good individual therapist always feels like they're on your side. Your personal therapist should be team YOU, even when they have to give tough feedback. In couples therapy, the therapist's job is to be neutral and not take sides. That's going to feel different. Consider if your therapist is truly siding with your partner or if you're experiencing their neutrality as not being on your side.
Check For Safety Issues In Your Relationship
We hate that we have to say this. If your partner is emotionally, verbally, sexually, financially, or physically abusive or threatening to you, your kids, or your pets, none of the above applies. Your safety is the top priority. If you trust your couples therapist will keep your disclosure in confidence, tell them what is happening in private. If you do not trust them to keep your confidence, find someone else who can help you or call a local hotline to get support.
Pick A New Couples Therapist
Unfortunately there are plenty of bad couples therapists out there. Some are just throwing spaghetti at the wall and hoping something will stick to help your relationship. You and your partner deserve better. Be sure you're seeing someone with specific training and experience in working with couples. We recommend Gottman Method Couples Therapy, EFT, or Imago therapy.
Couples therapy works, but only under certain conditions. Both partners need to be fully invested and have reasonable expectations. Even then, it can be really difficult.
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Feeling unheard in couples therapy? Discover the power of the Gottman Method couples therapy to create a balanced and fair space for both partners. Our experienced Gottman therapists can guide you through effective communication and relationship healing.
